Page 15
One more page to go! See you tonight for the last livestream in the Veronica story. : D
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oh my god this is the cutest <333
D’awwww, love it!
The right to veto ISN’T completely insane, right? I keep asking my boyfriend for the right to veto his sex partners if I find them creepy/dangerous but he always refuses and gets really angry about it. I’ve stopped asking because I’m tired of the abuse it gets me.
Someone back me up here, seriously. He always make it sound like it’s some kind of obscene control freak thing I have and it makes me doubt my own sanity.
one being’s tuppence: of my three permanent partners, one has veto rights and the others don’t.
veto rights aren’t insane. neither is the lack of one. it’s really dependent on the individual relationship.
if you feel like you need it, you deserve to ask. and imho if your bf doesn’t want to give it to you, i think you deserve a meaningful and kind explanation of why not. you’re not insane and DEFINITELY you don’t deserve to receive anger for asking.
imho it’s never insane to express a desire, even (perhaps especially) a desire for some kind of control. you are not crazy for wanting to have some sort of veto over your partner’s partners and your partner isn’t crazy for not wanting anyone to have control over who he fucks. The issue is more about how do you deal with your desires when they conflict. There is no right answer but i would be concerned if you are feeling shamed by your partner for having different desires. the fact that he gets angry about it is a bit of a red flag for me, but then again i’m not in the room or in either of your heads so, i hope you are able too get to a place where you dont feel crazy for wanting the things you want or needing the things you need.
Thanks to both of you for actually giving me well thought out advice! Most of the advice I get is either “all my fault” or “all his fault” with nothing in between.
His general reasoning for why he doesn’t want me to have veto is that he doesn’t want anyone having that kind of control over him. (He is very paranoid about control in a relationship. I don’t know of anything in his past to cause it but it’s always been there. He used to speak of marriage as something people only did so they could financially control the other person.) I suggested it as a sort of compromise since I’m increasingly uncomfortable with him sleeping around, but he said there’s nothing to compromise since it’s his body.
I kind of see where he’s coming from, but it also frustrates me that he can’t see how what he does IS my business, because we’re in a committed relationship (and have been for 4 years). I actually wound up calling off our engagement because we reaaaally shouldn’t be getting married without sorting this stuff out.
The reason I want the veto power and didn’t need it earlier in the relationship is probably many fold… I’ve caught him lying to me so my trust for him has been damaged. But most importantly… over the years I have learned my fiance has ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE JUDGEMENT OF PEOPLE! Just terrible! The worst I have ever seen in any human being! Worse is that he thinks he’s actually a good judge of character. -____- I’m terrified he’ll get himself into a hot mess with some lunatic.
I kind of figured this was a problem with no real solution. Despite our dedication to each other (we just moved across the country together 5 months ago), I suspect it will be the inevitable end to our relationship, which is why I called off the engagement. I think our needs in a relationship might just be incompatible.
I think a little bit differently about that matter – I would *never* be in a relationship with someone who wants a veto.
In my experience, some people who are not really comfortable with poly simply veto anynone in whom their partner shows even a little bit of interest. For me that wouldn’t be okay.
But – if I had a problem with one of my partner’s partners (like getting a creepy vibe etc), I would talk to my partner about it. My partner would listen to me – in the end, they are *my partner* and should care about my worries.
I get the vibe that your problem is that you don’t trust your partner (well, not really “your problem”. as you have reasons to not trust him, but the problem of your relationship).
you don’t trust him – he lies to you – he doesn’t care about your worries and needs? NOT COOL of him.
You didn’t ask for an opinion about your relationship, and I don’t want to comment on other people’s lives. But if you asked me for advice, I’d strongly suggest to dump him and to look for someone who doesn’t lie to you or dismiss your concerns.
that are my personal concerns regarding “poly relationships with veto power”. I don’t like them, but this doesn’t mean that vetos are *the evil* – I know happy poly relationships with veto power. And in almost every poly relationship, there are “please not with my brother/best friend/no threesomes with my coworkers/etc” and those are perfectly normal boundaries!
So – no, it’s not totally insane to want veto power. I wouldn’t want it, but I also wouldn’t dismiss it if my partner was concerned.
It’s just – veto power won’t repair damaged trust.
That he tries to give you the feeling that you are “insane” for wanting it, is even worse. You’re not. Your concerns are valid and real (even if they weren’t, he should look for a way to help you and not declare you crazy), and you deserve being with someone whom you can trust and who treats you better that he does.
@Original Poster:
I’ve had relationships with and without the veto thing, and never judged anyone for wanting it or not.
@Vivian:
I’ve also had not-actually-poly poly people veto like mad, and that’s terrible. But! I don’t see a problem with it, if you both agree it’s not going to be everyone and that a reason must be provided.
“I suspect it will be the inevitable end to our relationship, which is why I called off the engagement. I think our needs in a relationship might just be incompatible.”
– From reading your comments, I got the same impression. Sometimes (often?) it’s not a matter of fault, but of compatibility. And I can tell you, once you’ve finally found someone who IS compatible, you suddenly realise OMG everything’s just SO. MUCH. EASIER.
To veto or not doesn’t sound like the problem, the fact that your partner treats you bad when you say you want to veto someone though is a serious problem. Partners should always at least try to give the other the utmost of respect, and treat each other well. Oh sure we all mess up time to time, but this sounds ongoing. Having a discussion where folks disagree is fine, treating someone bad when you don’t agree is not cool.
I don’t blame you for wanting to have veto power…after all, you have to worry about what your partner’s partners bring to the table – STDs &c. And it’s terrible that he’s being abusive. Sounds like he needs to understand that 1) you are not trying to control him & 2) that he has no right to hurt you. The only advice I feel I can give is to take care of yourself and be safe when you’re intimate with him. May things get better for you.
Some people think that a veto right is absolutely abhorrent, though in most cases, it’s because they dealt with someone who abused it to control their partner. As long as a veto is handled responsibly, early on and not to avoid having to confront jealousy, it’s not a terrible thing. Ultimately, everyone in a relationship has the right to veto. It’s called ending the relationship. If your partner is with someone you really don’t trust/can’t stand/etc… telling them that you’re leaving is the same as vetoing the partner choice, because even if they agreed to a veto, they can still end the relationship with you if you veto.
let me just say, i am really glad you asked this, because i am in a similar situation. not the same, but similar enough for the advice you received to be somewhat relevant to me. anyway it’s comforting to know i’m not the only mono person in a relationship with a poly person having problems with it not being entirely one person’s fault. i mean, i have jealousy and trust issues and i guess i probably would be one of the people who would veto everything, and i saw a lot of people saying that that’s not okay, which i get… but at the same time, like i said, i have serious issues with depression and jealousy whenever he expresses interest in people. partially due to what he’s done in the past but also partially just because of me and the fact that i have issues. anybody have any advice for me? (please don’t hate me for not being comfortable with sharing, just any ideas that might help figure out the issue would be great. i don’t mean to intrude on this safe space for poly people, please don’t take this as my being poly-phobic, this just seemed like the sort of place where people might be able to help without judging by saying “it’s your fault” or “it’s his fault”)
also, idk if this may help people get a better understanding of the situation and therefore give me better advice, but he does sometimes get mad and say i’m controlling him by telling him that i’m bothered by his interest in other people. but the thing is, i don’t say ‘you can’t date this person or else’ it’s just that by now i know myself well enough to realize that if he dates anyone else i can’t take it and would remove myself from the situation by breaking up. and he chooses to stay with me and not see other people. but i still kind of worry i’m… i mean… i feel shitty about it, i know it’s sort of my fault, i don’t mean to be controlling, it’s just not good for me to be in that sort of situation. but on the other hand i know he’s not happy not getting to be with other people.
(aka, help please >.>)
(however neither of us want to break up with each other so please skip that part of your advice because i know most of you will suggest it…)
Yeah, most of us will suggest it… because it’s the only sensible thing to do. I knew a couple with the exact same issues, and they are both happier after they finally managed to break up. Just like I was happier after all my “Yeah it looks like we’re not that compatible there but we really really really can’t break up” relationships… This probably won’t help, but I don’t know what else would.
On the veto right matter: My boy found it obvious that I can veto, because he wants me to be comfortable and he knows that I want him to be, so we figure we can come to an agreement. (He himself doesn’t feel the need for a veto right, but I would obviously want him to be ok with my other people, too.)
Re: the experience that a veto right would be abused… For me it just really depends on the person and the circumstances. I can think of one person that I would probably veto (though he wouldn’t do that to me anyway), but I can think of several that I would be cool with or even like him to get involved with. It’s important for me to feel that I have some control, yeah… It makes me relaxed.
Yeah, like… people who he’s expressed interest in whom I would veto given the option: woman who USED to be in a poly relationship whose asshole husband shut down the poly part the second they got married, without warning her first. She flirts with him constantly, and he flirts back, but she freaks out if anyone calls her on it, and it has gotten Jeremy in trouble with her husband before.
This has GIANT BLARING WARNING DO NOT FUCK signs written all over it for me, but he just doesn’t have the sense of mind to not go there. However, there’s a boy he plays with online (I say boy but he’s really a full grown man xD just kinda femmy) who I’ve met and seems really genuine and sweet, and I wouldn’t veto him, because I feel like that’s a safe, sane situation.
Advice to Avia… Well, I would say that if he REALLY wants to be poly, and he REALLY wants to be with you, and you REALLY want to be with him, you guys should have a talk about taking it slow. He can’t be with you and fuck his way around town, because it will just end in heartbreak for you, and for him too if he’s serious about liking you. Identify where your insecurities are coming from, and which part of poly bothers you the most (are you terrified he’ll form an emotional bond with someone else or do you hate the idea of him sleeping with people you don’t know? for example), and then find something poly that kind of sidesteps it. If the idea of him with girls sets you off, ask him to just sleep with boys for now. If the idea of him sleeping with strange people you don’t know who might be dangerous bothers you, ask if you can get to know the people in a friendly environment before he sleeps with them, etc.
My boyfriend is willing to do ABSOLUTELY NONE of these things, but you might have better luck with yours.
ok so i only just saw this, but yeah it’s the emotional bond thing. he’s kind of demisexual-ish.
he’s more ‘polyamorous’ than ‘polysexual.’
I would agree that it’s not insane. He’s gaslighting you about it and I’m pissed off on your behalf right now.
The thing is, is that it’s the same as your romantic/sexual partner having friend who you think is hella dangerous.
You have the right to put your foot down with creepy/dangerous people getting involved with your boyfriend because they could easily spill over into YOUR life.
It should be a discussion, of course, but it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t giving you the time of day. If he keeps that up, I’d leave.
… Can I have this relationship dynamic? please? :O
Man this reminds me of my fiance and myself and it makes me smile SO hard. <3 Only difference is he and I are both poly, but still.
typo: “and your sure as hell”
adorable page. cannot handle how cute perfect poly relationship ;~; kelly’s really quickly become one of my favorite characters.
I always end up wanting to give Tab’s characters (consensual) hugs. :)
I’ve finally found someone apart from my primary partner (we’ve been together 11 years) and I’m so happy it’s working for me, my primary and my lover.
The only problem is that my lover’s gf has agreed with them being open (and has had lover/s herself) but I think she just barely tolerates it. She doesn’t want to know anything, she is given him some restrictions (no kissing in the mouth, no genital to genital contact) which we try to follow except for the occasional mishap, …
I don’t want to hurt her, nor her relationship with my lover and I think I’m doing it. I know my lover would have other relationships even if it wasn’t with me but so it’s not like stopping would change anything and as I’ve said, the other three in the equation are really happy with it but… It just cusks to think I’m (probably) hurting someone. the situation is compounded by lover, gf and me studying in the same place and being in close proximity. They’ve been together 4 or 5 years and they’ve been open from the start… I don’t want to cause trouble T_T
While I know jealousy and negotiations and the angst are often part of a couple becoming poly, sometimes it really does work out so simply as this. Thanks for showing that it can be no fuss :)
Wow. I just… wow. Ronnie… If everyone was as clear as you about what they wanted/needed/expected the world would be far brighter.
I adore these two; I think they may have actually taken over as my new fav Khaos couple. They’re situation speaks to me on so many levels and I love seeing it represented in such a caring way.
Shame there’s only one page left.
I myself am monogamous in my relationships because it’s where I’m comfortable and it works for me, but I love love love seeing this. Even when I was younger and didn’t understand what poly was, etc., when I’d hear about it (and how SCANDALOUS it was or whatever), I remember thinking that it was just important that everyone does what works for them and not hurt each other, y’know? And that seems to be the idea here and I think that’s just lovely.
Hahaha I had completely forgotten I’d posted this. I’m now a queer pansexual in a polyamorous relationship. Shit changes sometimes lol