Sir, Butler and Boy ~ Fine Dining ~ Page 1
The idea of The Butler wearing a napkin while blowing The Boy made me giggle uncontrollably so I kept it in. I’m experimenting with prose to start the stories off (and become a blurb for the print magazines), so here we go:
Candles lit, fire stoked and table set for the formal evening meal, the dining room looks resplendent and ready for a hoard of guests to descend and devour the feast.
But there are only three guests at this meal and one is currently being consumed himself. The sturdy chair The Boy has been strapped to rocks as he struggles, trying to get closer to where The Butler is teasingly tasting him, under the watchful eye of Sir.
Unfortunately for them both, it’s up to Sir to decide what’s on the menu tonight, and he knows that food tastes better to men who are starving for it.
General PSA: Wanna discuss the story as a whole instead of just the current page? Wanna get to know other Khaosers(discordians?)? Want to talk about random parts of life with the literally most chill group ever?
Check out the forum
http://forum.discordcomics.com/
It’s sad how much the forum died after the comments section got big- though things have been pretty quiet even on the site ever since Shades finished. I’ll work on advertising again once I’ve finished with the kickstarter orders, hopefully that will inject a bit more life back in!
Then again, half of your site descriptions (including patreon) still say you’re working on Shades of A. Might want to go round to all your “about” pages & change that.
1) I didn’t know there was a form cool.
2) stuff like this is really good and and gives me ideas on fun safe ways of playing. Next time I use my packer soo wanna try this.
A link on this website might help patronage. Or if there is one I can’t find it.
You said “experimenting with prose,” so I’m hoping that means you’re looking for feedback (if not, ignore this, because your work is wonderful).
I don’t object to the idea of prose, but I feel like the page you drew beautifully tells everything your bit of prose did. I think reading the prose first might have diminished the impact of the page, and either way, it doesn’t enhance it.
Maybe if you want to do prose, try to add in a detail not included in the page – i.e. Butler doing whatever he does to prepare, or a moment just before the page (“What are the ropes for?” kind of moment, where we’ll see the answer in the page), or… something I wouldn’t know, since it would be something not covered in the inks?
Ah, the prose is because when I sell at conventions the comics are sealed- it’s more a blurb to set the scene, let people know what the content of the story is and helping people know what the characters are so they can pick up individual issues.
In that case, it does that perfectly – it clearly introduces your scene. :) Do you want grammar comments? (English teacher/professional fiction writer – I can’t help offering)
Sure thing! I’d like to keep the old prose charm but some of the sentences don’t flow as well as I’d like.
(I’m cheating on the comment-length limit by doing multiple posts – hope that’s all right because I’m offering you feedback and not arguing with other posters!)
The only sentence catching me is this one: “The sturdy chair The Boy has been strapped to rocks as he struggles, trying to get closer to where The Butler is teasingly tasting him, under the watchful eye of Sir.”
Part of what isn’t flowing for you might be the passive voice (“has been strapped to”) or the fact it could be read that the chair is the one struggling, since it’s the one with the active verb (“the sturdy chair … rocks, trying…”). Giving the Boy an active verb might help, something like –
The Boy struggles against the (insert appropriate bond- ropes/cloth napkins/etc) binding him to the chair, and it rocks as he tries to get closer to the Butler teasingly tasting him under Sir’s watchful eye.
If you want to loyally treat The Butler as if it were a name (like “Joe”), you can go with “closer to The Butler, who is teasingly…” though with the article there I think it flows a little better without the “who is.” That’s up to you as author – I’m just guessing at how you want to treat it based on what you’ve put up so far.
(continued)
(Part 2)
My only other editorial comment is stylistic, not grammar based, but I would say you don’t need the bold type in the last line. I say this as someone with a bit of an addiction to italics in my own writing, but your writing is evocative enough and the verb you chose (starving) is powerful enough that the emphasis is clear to your reader, at which point the visual emphasis is unnecessary/distracting.
My disclaimer for editorial feedback: You’re the writer, you get final say, your mileage may vary. I try to explain my reasoning for *why* I give feedback (which is why this is so long!) so you can decide if you like it or if it helps you figure out another way to solve a problem, like the passive voice/clunky sentence issue.
On a personal note: I’ve loved your work since sometime early in Khaos (I think I discovered it during Steve or Mark’s story). Thank you for nearly a decade of wonderful, meaningful stories that speak to people of minority and alt relationship styles and also occasionally include delicious smut.
Spaniard here so I might be wrong but it isn’t resplandecent instead of resplendecent as it appears on the text.
Also I was wondering about Boy/The Boy and which one sound better.
Love the smutt and love the stoy. Have a nice day
…Nice prose *borrows napkin to wipe the sweat from my brow.