Shades Of A 104
I’m getting ready for the con season here which means I’ve restocked a bunch of T-shirt sizes! Small sizes are back for the ALL THE THINGS T-shirts and girlie fit sizes are back in Fabulous and I like girls.
I’ve had a bunch of requests for asexual pride and pronoun badges so here they are- Check out the new ‘fill your own pronoun’ tags and Asexuals are ACE badges- available in square!
Okay… with this page I have officially decided that I don’t like Anwar. I mean he’s been an obnoxiously self absorbed prick when he’s gotten worked up before (not to mention the rest of the time as well) and not just in a “well he’s human and can’t be expected to be perfect” sense, but this is too much. I get snapping at somebody when you’re angry without really acknowledging what they said in the moment because you’re so mad you can’t think straight, but this idiot only apologized after Chris responded to the relationship issues that have to do directly with him without even acknowledging the major personal bombshells he dropped.
-sigh- But then I’m also a little biased. I’ve never gotten along very well with people who only seem to hear whatever has to do with them directly while just tuning out the rest.
(And no I wouldn’t expect any magical words of soothing comfort to come from Anwar in response to Chris statement, but he should have at the very least acknowledged that what he asked was in retrospect a pretty selfish question considering who he was talking to. Hopefully the next page redeems him somewhat, but for now I really don’t like him.)
Yeah, Anwar is being a dick to Chris, but it’s not entirely his fault. Clearly his had a lot of experience with partners telling him the only point of being in a relationship is having sex, and if you can’t fulfill that obligation then there is no point to you. That does a lot to your self esteem, and Anwar as gotten to the point where he feels useless and unlovable because he can’t fulfill this part of a relationship and he’s been conditioned to think that sex is the end all of any relationship.
Now, Chris SHOULD feel insulted, but I think he knows Anwar is being stupid, not mean. He needs to show Anwar that is there is more to him than just his ability to copulate, and there are other reasons why a person would want to date a guy like him.
Ehhhhhh.. I’m not automatically condemning Anwar for his actions or his words since I don’t see any of them as being spiteful or mean, I just really hope that at the very least an apology is coming Chris’ way. Otherwise… well, you know, I’m going to think very poorly of Anwar. Personal frustration is no excuse for completely disregarding somebody else’ feelings no matter who you are or what else might be going on. Not that we haven’t all been guilty of that at some point… just that most of us would at least apologize afterwards when we realized what we’d done. At least I’d hope most people would anyway.
See?! I’m not expecting perfection, just hoping Chris gets an apology! That’s all! :D -flips all the metaphorical tables, angsting over the situation presented in a fictional comic-
I disagree. Having self-esteem issues and being immature may not be Anwar’s fault. But being a dick to Chris is definitely his fault and he owes Chris yet another apology. Bad behavior and being completely self-involved with no consideration for Chris’ feelings or the stuff he has had to deal with is something should be held accountable for.
I think this falls under the heading of “Anwar having a breakdown/through” which buys him some leeway.
Keep in mind while I don’t think his exact age has been specified, Anwar is pretty young and woefully inexperienced. Further, there’s a societal expectation that physical intimacy (namely sex) is the distinguishing factor between friendship and romantic relationships. When you can’t or don’t want to provide sex ever, it can be very difficult to get by that expectation. Even if you can personally understand being in a romantic relationship without sex, those viewing the relationship are often quick to judge and insist that it’s not a valid relationship because of the lack of sex. Even as a fully established adult with many adult friends, I don’t think I was able to convince a single one that my asexual girlfriend and I were in a romantic relationship. People just couldn’t see how we weren’t just good friends.
While I’m not saying any of this excuses Anwar’s behavior, I find it to at least be understandable in this context and likely how he will grow as the comic progresses.
That makes a lot of since. Even look at the relationship that Sheldon and Amy share in Big Bang Theory. The lack of physical intimacy is mentioned over and over, even going so far as to allow once character to tell Amy that it would be understood if she cheated on Sheldon, the idea being that hers isn’t a real relationship because of lack of sex. This is in a show with a huge fanbase, and a surprising number of people seem to have agreed, wondering why Amy took offense.
I think for Sheldon/Amy, it’s because Amy obviously wants a physical relationship, and Sheldon, rather selfishly, will not address that. I do think Amy/Sheldon are in a doomed relationship, because they need vastly different things.
I don’t think it’s fair to say Sheldon is being selfish in not addressing physical intimacy with Amy. Sheldon (despite the writer’s protest of the label) is a textbook case for Aspergers. Further, Sheldon was never diagnosed or taught any coping mechanisms for this syndrome. While it may appear that he’s just a self absorbed control freak to people unfamiliar with the Aspergers, it’s a very real condition that impacts most social interactions. Sheldon, despite the Aspergers and his extreme discomfort with the topic has recently made strides to address their intimacy and while it may not be as much as Amy wants, she does continue to choose the relationship with him and to stay exclusive despite Sheldon’s extremely slow pace.
Sorry to rant on a mostly unrelated media, but having people very close to me with Aspergers, it’s a sensitive topic that I can’t help but inform where I can.
Sheldon is sometimes cruel to Amy (the Disneyland episode, for example). I get that Sheldon has issues (I’m not downgrading Aspergers or anything, I’m literally lumping whatever Sheldon is as “issues” for the sake of this comment), but I honestly think they may not be happy together. I don’t think Sheldon is wrong, nor do I think Amy is wrong. I think they may not be suited to one another.
I would be overjoyed if the show took Aspergers seriously. Heck, Two and Half Men took transgender seriously, so nothings impossible.
I was actually really impressed with how they’ve handled that so far. Despite Bernadette (and I think Penny as well) implying or flat out saying that it isn’t a real relationship, Amy stood her ground and defended it. While I think they will get to a point where there is physical intimacy and maybe even sex, so far, it’s been imo a really good example of a romantic nonsexual relationship and we just don’t get those often.
I disagree that Anwar is being a dick. He’s, unfortunately, in that catergory of “misunderstood for a long time, so now I guess a lot”. I’ve seen it with overweight girls; it’s a defense mechanism. I think this is leading to some deep communication… which most good relationships, romantic or not, have.
It’s not so much what Anwar’s saying that makes him a dick in my mind, it’s that he seems to be completely ignoring some of the things that Chris is saying. I mean I understand anxiety and all that, but when your partner talks about how they’ve been divorced and denied not only custody but also visitation rights after you all but implied they have no idea what it’s like to be seen as or feel like a “freak” or what have you for who they are.. then you IGNORE ALL OF THAT, that DEFINITELY makes you a giant uncircumcised dick.
And then it makes you an even bigger one if you don’t at the very least apologize for it after realizing what you’ve said/done.
You say “giant uncircumcised dick” like that’s a bad thing…
You’re my favorite.
I can imagine doing the same thing as Anwar, if I had his thought processes and background. If you constantly have a litany of “I’m not good enough” in your head, it’s really really really hard to think about other people. Which is what’s happening with Anwar at the moment: he must have very low self esteem when it comes to relationships (and I don’t blame him for that at all, if I were shamed by my partners for being asexual I’d be the same). He’s being a dick, but he’s not doing it on purpose. He was trying to help, however misguided.
(I am asexual btw, I’ve just had decent partners and stuff)
…Oh Anwar, you’re so busy judging yourself that you expect everyone else to judge you, too….. :/ Have a little more faith in people close to you!
Am I the only one feeling REALLY sorry for Chris in this page? T-T
I damn well the fear of being fired due to totally unrelated-to-work activities.
Poor dude :(
omg chris just announced he has lost his kids and anwar’s stuck on the pretty dommes.
one-track mind and it’s not going anywhere good, anwar.
The sad thing is I’ve been in Anwar’s position… too wrapped up in my own grievances to notice when I’m being really unresponsive or tactless about someone else’s problems. Anwar needs a big metaphorical kick up the arse, but I can kinda see why he’s being undiplomatic in the moment, with the caveat that explanation=/= excuse.
I’m pretty ignorant of custody laws, especially in the UK, but does this actually happen??? I thought that the only situation in which a parent could be denied visitation rights was when their presence posed a threat to the safety of the child. Has it been argued that parents involved in BDSM pose a threat to their children? If so, I have even less faith in the courts than I used to.
Also, poor Chris. :-(
I’m not very well up on law, but I would not be at all surprised to hear that some courts have ruled that parents who are into totally consensual kink with other adults were considered a “threat” to their kids.
Also (albeit not recently) I have heard of gay, lesbian and trans parents losing custody rights – and while Chris is none of the above, a homophobic judge would very likely make that assumption.
I can’t speak for the UK but in the US it happens all the time. A conservative judge won’t hesitate to deny a parent visitation if they’re considered a sexual deviant.
I’m really curious about Chris’ life as a married man. I’m also very curious about people’s opinions about people who marry for the wrong reasons and then live secret lives once they realize or accept their sexuality.
I’ve known many sides of these types of relationships. The heartbroken woman/man who finds their spouse cheating on them, the spouse who was trying to find/live who they are because their public life is the lie, the children caught in the terrible mess, the drug addled/addicted HIV positive prostitute that regularly services men who have carseats in the back of their vehicles, etc.
The best scenario is when one spouse comes out to their family, before doing anything, their family accepts them and adjusts their lives for that person and that person makes smart and safe decisions with a new partner or partners. I know of ONE case with a friend’s family where this happened exactly. Unfortunately it seems to usually end with some terrible blow up like what Chris is starting to talk more about. But then again, this family I know was incredibly close to each other, and even though it was hard to make such a huge change they all seem to feel their lives are better because they see their dad/grandfather/ex husband truly happy.
I know a lot more stories where blame is shot around when one spouse begins exploring their sexuality outside of their relationship without the other’s knowledge. The problem for me here is the fact that both parties are victims to the social pressures on sexuality. The queer partner for being pressured to be straight and the other for falling in love with and then marrying someone they falsely believed was sexually attracted to them (which from what I can tell royally sucks!).
I like to believe that people don’t do things, at least not at first, with the intention to cause harm to other people, it’s just that it bothers me when people do things knowing it could, if found out, cause emotional harm to someone else.
Thoughts?
At this point, I wonder why Chris wants to be with Anwar. Anwar has spent their entire acquaintance focusing on himself, his problems. It’s all “me me me”, while continually treating Chris like crap. I wouldn’t blame Chris if he decided to call it quits. At this point, Anwar doesn’t seem even in the ballpark of being ready for a relationship. On top of self-esteem issues, Anwar is epically immature. An awesome guy like Chris deserves better IMO.
I want to give Chris all the hugs :(
It’s ironic how you have such a pretty grin in your avatar.
I started off really liking this story but I’m sorry, Anwar gets more and more unlikable with every update.
I agree. Anwar’s self-centeredness wears thin…
Agreed. I have empathy for him and all, but if he doesn’t grow a little nugget of self esteem/trust within the next few updates, I’m going to have to find a way to jump into the comic and furiously pep talk Anwar until he poops his pants.
I feel like I’m in the minority saying this, but I really like Anwar. It could be because I really identify with him and his problems with navigating relationships as an asexual person. There is so much focus on sex and being sexual in the context of a romantic relationship that it’s really possible to lose sight of the relationship itself. It doesn’t help that I’ve been preemptively dumped before a relationship could get started because of my asexuality.
So is he being immature? Yes, a bit. But hell, you can see that he wants to make this work but is going about it in the worst way possible. He’s assuming way too many things instead of talking about them and is hella insecure.
I’m with you Hollis. To me, Anwar is an extremely relatable character and I easily see why he says and does the things he does. Yes, he is being a but of an arse cuz he really doesn’t know much better. He is woefully inexperienced and tied to that inexperience he is woefully insecure. I’ve been where he is and yes he is being immature, but that gives him so much room to grow…
Congrats, Tab, you’ve created true human characters!
Being so wrapped up in your own problems that you’re blind for the disaster right beside you is common enough.
Still, caring only for your own poor self is certainly immature.
It’s high time that Anwar starts to give instead of only receive – and poor Chris is certainly in for a great, smushy hug!
Huh, it seems others beat me to it. Actually I have never liked Anwar. And this was supposed to be a parody but I’m not laughing…
Still, imperfect chars are interesting if they grow. And I like how these two are so different. But I can only see (read: have the imagination) this going in one way: Chris is an older, more level-headed mentor for Anwar, who learns to accept himself with Chris’ help. I can’t imagine any real romantic spark between them. They’re likely to break up eventually but remain friends.
I just wanna say, Chris is a freaking saint. How Anwar is acting is understandable because reasons, but the only way this wouldn’t be hard on Chris too would be if he didn’t care, which he clearly does.
He doesn’t get to see his kids :……c
I love this story so much, but something confused me here; Chris just said he as no visitation rights, but a while back they were watching a Mean Girls DVD belonging to his daughter? What am I missing, here?
Also, I can understand Anwar’ freak out, here. He needs to be shaken out of it a bit and he and Chris need to TALK, but I get why he’s freaking out. It’s not an easy thing, feeling like you’re broken and unacceptable, especially when you’re “broken” in a way your partner seem to require in his life. I mean, the poor guy got a divorce over his sex/kink life, it makes a sad amount of sense that Anwar would think sex needs to happen to Chris. A line of communication needs to be opened here, stat. Poor babies.
Visitation rights just mean that the law says you’re allowed to spend at least some time with your kids and mandates a period of time in which to do so. Without those rights you can still see them, it’s just the other parent’s decision about when and how much time you get to spend with them.
Gotcha, thanks.
In other news, my I am a … Person T-shirt arrived the other day (along with an extra pronoun badge I hadn’t ordered, or even noticed in the shop or I might have ordered it), and it is *awesome*. Seems to be pretty good quality, and the green is more vivid than I’d expected. I am in love with it.
TRiG.
Excellent! Glad you liked your free badge : D
Anwar: Do you have any idea what it’s like?!
Chris: Yes, and I lost my kids.
Anwar: Why do you want to be with me?!
What a chode.
Okay, so he’s really emotional because he just saw his ex in a kink scene, and he’s not thinking straight.
While I haven’t been in that exact situation, I know what it’s like to be really confused because of emotions. Doesn’t make me or anyone else less of a jerk, though.
Chris is being really patient. I like that.
So I’m not saying how Anwar responded here was all that great, or that it wasn’t at least a little insensitive to not respond with empathy to Chris’s statement about his marriage and kids, but the way I see it Chris did that same kind of thing first in this conversation. Note that I said the same kind of thing, not the same thing. Anwar was just having a very emotional moment and being very vulnerable and telling Chris some of the things that he experiences as really hurtful or troublesome for himself. Chris then responded by talking about his own problems. Yes, the way Anwar asked the “question” left Chris the room to do this, and yes, it’s obviously okay for both people in a relationship to share hardships with each other. However, we never really saw Chris respond with all that much empathy either. He hopped right on stating his own problems instead of first helping Anwar sort out what was going on (immediately and very emotionally) for him. I don’t think that was good judgment or entirely helpful on Chris’s part. Yes, he could have still said he knew what it was like to feel like that, but he could have also just set aside his own experiences for a second and tried to understand and empathize with Anwar’s. I mean the fact is, even though they both experienced hardship/ridicule, neither will ever know what it was really, truly like for the other to go through it. The closest they can get is listening and learning empathetically. But to do that they need to resist trying to one-up each other and resist trying to jump in with their own issues. I think Chris should have let Anwar explain his feelings more or provided reassurance, not a statement about how hard he has had it also. Yes, it may seem to be normalizing but really I don’t think the two experiences are close enough to normalize anything for Anwar. So basically yes, I agree that out of the two Anwar was the most rude/cold here for the way he reacted to Chris. However, I don’t think we can entirely blame Anwar here or chalk it up to him being immature. I really think Chris’s comment was less than stellar (and less than helpful) as well and that if he had responded differently Anwar probably would have felt heard and wouldn’t have felt the need to lash out (and make the comment about the dommes).