Shades Of A 102
Happy monday y’all! This page, for me at least, marks the most fantastic thing that has ever come out of Chris’ mouth.
In kink education news, a fan linked me to a new ebook by blogger and social activist Charlie Hale, aimed at those wanting to explore kink. The book, Playing Around: A Short Introduction to Kink for the Curious, is available over at http://playingaround.charliehale.net/.
Oh now I feel bad… but Chris is like a saint. Being able to handle all this and still be pleasant…
Anwar needs some naked hugs :/ poor guy I just want to crawl into the last panel and tell him hes fine.
Ugh…too relatable…
Anwar, it’s okay not to like sex! Besides, it wasn’t part of relationship agreement in the beginning. It’ll be okay….
Ugh…every time I come back to this page my heart just squeezes so hard and I just wanna tell ‘War it’s alright not to like sex and he’s not a freak for not being interested and UGH.
Right in the feels ;-;
Felt so much of this in my early relationships.
There is so damn much societal pressure to love, want and seek sex as the greatest thing you can do, and the whole pretence of a relationship – everyone just expects they’ll like it, like everyone else – and if you don’t, either you’re doing it wrong, or YOU are wrong.
Still am there, in some ways. I know, in my head, that I shouldn’t. Hearts taking a bit longer to get the memo
I have a few questions actually. First and foremost though, I ADORE this comic! Tab really gets me thinking about his topics. Now, I don’t know much, if anything, about being asexual beyond the comments and so far it seems that there are varying levels of it. In Anwar’s case, is he just not physically into sex? I mean I know he says he doesn’t like sex, but so far it seems like he doesn’t like the physical genital against genital thing. I guess it would depend on what you consider sex too but does he like the intimacy side of it? I mean kissing, cuddling, maybe fondling/touching/exploration of the body. (We all know he’s a snuggler.) So far it seems, to me, like he hasn’t had much to go off of to know if he really enjoys the softer side of exploring his body. All sexuality aside, everyone likes to feel good/pleasure just in varying degrees so I guess what I’m getting at is, does Anwar know if he likes the idea of mutual foreplay? (Because he didn’t seem all that interested in it when it was be between him and JD, but feeling like you HAVE to do it in a relationship does take a bit of the ‘excitement’ (for lack of a better word) out of it. Also, does Anwar like self love? I’ve been wondering that as well, do asexuals enjoy masturbation or does that also depend on the person? I’m sorry if these sound completely stupid and shallow, but I would really like to get a better idea of how/what Anwar’s feeling/thinking and I would just like a better understanding of being asexual all together.
On another note, finally! I’ve been waiting for Chris to stop this since Anwar got naked. Secretly, I really hope that they stay together at least romantically, I’m a sap for romance and Chris is really one of those romantic kinda guys. At least in my eyes.
I second your questions. It seems like Anwar thinks that sex must include penetration. Earlier, he didn’t seem to mind pleasuring JD orally, so it would seem a conversation is needed between he and Chris. Such as: does Chris evev want sexual congress with Anwar or does the “kinky fuckery” satisfy those? If Chris would like a sexual component in their relationship, would sexual/oral touch be okay? Stuff like that. Anwar has demonstrated a lot of insecurity about Chris and their relationship. I think it would go a long way to allay those fears if Chris would spell out what he wants/needs/sexually from Anwar, if anything.
I wanna try answering your questions, as an asexual…
I don’t know if he’s not physically interested in sex, but because he doesn’t see Chris (or anyone) as sexually attractive, it’s harder to have sex, or at least be aroused by the idea of sex. That isn’t to say that some asexuals don’t want and have sex; asexuals just don’t experience sexual attraction so why they have sex varies from emotional connections to enjoying the act (I think…).
Cuddling and kissing is separate from sex as a general rule. Sex involves nudity and pleasuring of the genitals and sexually erogenous zones. Kissing can be arousing, but it isn’t directly connected to sexual activities. There are some asexuals who don’t enjoy kissing and/or find it disgusting. This could also be related to romantic orientation, though I can’t say for sure because I enjoy kissing (but not much beyond that, and only so long as tongue isn’t involved) and am pan-demiromantic.
We know Anwar likes to cuddle and kiss with someone he is with. But does that count as mutual foreplay if he’s not wanting to go further? In my mind, foreplay means something further is going to happen given it’s called “fore”play. I know for me, I can adore and get really into kissing someone, but the moment it tries to go any further, all interest I had disappears.
Some asexuals masturbate, some don’t. We haven’t seen any evidence that Anwar masturbates so we can’t say one way or the other on whether he does.
@Lisa264544: Maybe Anwar is okay with oral sex because his genitals weren’t involved? Cuz, if I’m remembering correctly, when JD offered to reciprocate, he kinda freaked out because he didn’t want that. I know in my experience that I’m fine with the idea of pleasuring someone else and having their body feel good, but the moment they want to reciprocate all interest I had disappears.
I don’t know if I helped, but I hope it does at least a little…
@Aeron Thank you for the insight! I was thinking the same thing about the JD scene and Anwar’s giving but not interested in recieveing. If Chris did want some sort of sexual activity with Anwar (although we’ve not yet seen him say/do anything that implies he does), it would seem a simply matter of communicating his needs and Anwar communicating what he would be willing/feel comfortable doing. I am hoping that Chris will reassure Anwar that he accepts Anwar as he is and does not consider him a freak or anything other than wonderful. Yeah, I like mushy stuff. :)
Firstly, thank you for giving me some insight! It’s really eye opening. So, I think I’m going to ask a few more questions, if you don’t mind answering. I understand that kissing and cuddling are normally considered non-sexual, but how do you feel about kissing the body (not exclusively the genitals) but on the shoulder, the back, legs, and such. In Anwar’s case (And I’m going out on a limb here) seems like he doesn’t see it as a sexual act (Why else would he ask what Chris is doing?) And What about nude cuddling? Personally, I don’t think of it as a sexual thing, but I guess it would vary between people since the body is exposed and pressed against an equally naked body. I guess what I mean with foreplay is more so touching/exploration of the others body more so than it leading up to the actual act of sex. If any of this sounds completely stupid, don’t be afraid to tell me.
Adding to this to note that giving and receiving for an asexual are often entirely different ball games. And to be fair, probably is for sexuals as well as there are different needs met in giving versus receiving versys sharing pleasure.
For me at least, as an asexual who is into giving pleasure (for emotional and intellectual reasons), it is really hard for me to receive because it’s a lot of pressure and I know I’ll let it down. I mean, I just don’t have the responsiveness that a sexual partner would have and I never will and that can even start an anxiety attack. It’s gotten a little better since I’ve been able to access alternate feelings like resolving dysphoria in receiving, but in general, I’m way more comfortable being in a giving only role and my partners thankfully respect that and are okay with that.
But yeah, it can be rough receiving when you know it’s not really doing anything for you or not doing enough for you. Especially when receiving is socially seen as a “reward” and that one is “doing a favor for you”.
hi! so, asexuality isn’t feeling sexual attraction. us asexuals feel for everyone what other people feel for their non-preferred gender (unless they’re sexually attracted to all genders…then maybe think, like, siblings or animals, things that people love but aren’t (necessarily :P ) sexually attracted to). so it isn’t an aversion to sex, per se, more of a “why would i have sex if i don’t really have sexual feelings for that person?” if you’ve seen bbc sherlock, a good line is in “scandal in belgravia”: “why would i want dinner [metaphor for sex] if i’m not hungry?” also think of people who are vegetarian because they don’t like meat, and aren’t vegetarian for political, religious, health, etc. reasons. within the asexual community itself there are various attitudes towards sex. some (like me) are sex-repulsed, meaning we are strongly against participating in sex, some are sex-indifferent, meaning they are ambivalent about participating in sex, and some enjoy participating in sex. so far in this comic, it seems like anwar might be sex-indifferent, because while he may not experience an “erotic thrill,” he doesn’t really seem averse to participating in sex with chris…if a little, um, clinical about it.
in a sexual/asexual relationship, the asexual’s attitude towards sex is an important thing to consider because it affects sexual activity in the relationship. usually (but not always) a sex-repulsed asexual will tend to seek an open relationship, in which the allosexual (non-asexual person) goes to someone outside the relationship for sex- it’s a mutual agreement, not an affair…in fact, it’s like anwar and chris’s arrangement with kink. sex-indifferent asexuals are a little trickier; they could also choose an open relationship or they could compromise on sex, whether that’s having it a set number of times in a given time period (like, x number of times per week/month/etc.) or only doing certain sexual activities (“i will manually stimulate you, but i don’t want to be sexually stimulated in return.”). i assume asexuals who enjoy sex would simply have sex with their partner, though i’m sure there are still difficulties with that setup- i haven’t heard enough from asexuals who enjoy sex to know (the majority tend to be sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent, at least as far as i know).
as for cuddling and other forms of intimacy, those tend to be viewed more as romantic activities by the ace (asexual) community. it’s often considered ideal to most asexuals to have intimacy (through cuddling, kissing, etc.) without sex in a relationship.
what i’m getting at is that engaging in “mutual foreplay” is certainly possible, although it might depend on what sort of activities it includes. if it mostly involves kissing and cuddling, it’s likely that anwar would view that as a romantic activity and be pretty willing to participate. if it’s more sexual in nature, it’s likely something they’d want to discuss first before simply going for it. just like chris isn’t comfortable with being touched on the chest, anwar likely has his own boundaries. (for instance, he could enjoy “exploring his body” but draw the line at being orally stimulated.) so, the idea in general would be something they’d have to discuss first, then they could go into specifics.
as far as masturbation, some do it, some don’t. there are what’s called libidoist asexuals and non-libidoist asexuals. libidoist asexuals (that’s me!) have a sex drive and will sometimes get aroused or masturbate…but we tend to do so without thinking of a specific person; our sex drives aren’t usually “directed” at anyone. nonlibidoist asexuals don’t have a sex drive and usually don’t masturbate. whether or not anwar masturbates would depend on if he’s a libidoist or non-lidiboist asexual.
the asexual community is as diverse and varied as the sexual community, so it’s pretty hard to generalize about the feelings and attitudes of asexuals…so i’m sorry if this seems a little vague. a GREAT source of information is aven (asexuality.org), the online asexuality resource.
Well, I think that’s the simplest and probably the best way it’s been put so far. And its easy to understand. (The why have dinner, if I’m not hungry? comment.) I know I’m going to be doing a LOT of research after this, I never realized how many different types of “asexuality” there was. Then again, hence the name. I do have another question though, and I guess it would depend on the person and the length of the relationship but if an asexual partner is with a sexual partner for an extended amount of time, is there the possibility that they can develop a sexual desire to be with that one person? (I know that may sound pretty stupid but bear with me.) And I mean ONLY that person. Would that still be considered asexual even? Just some more questions, guess. It’s not terribly vague. It’s just a lot to take in. Haha. Thanks again!
People who desire sex from someone they are in a relationship with or have a deep emotinal connection to are demisexuals, which is an identity along the ace sepectrum. Whether an asexual would end up desiring sex with a partner after an extended relationship would likely depend wholly on the individual.
Also, there are some along the ace sepctrum – grey asexuals – who sporadically see people sexually attractive, from my understanding of the identity.
So, I am both a heterosexual and a demisexual. Can one be both heterosexual and asexual (ie demisexual)? Because I an exclusively heterosexual, but am only interested in sex with someone I have a deep emotional connection (demisexual). Sex for “recreation” holds no interest; for me, it is an expression of love. So, hetero and demi? Yes/No?
Yes :) Heterosexual means that you are only interested in the opposite sex as your partner, demisexual expresses that you need a deep emotional connection before you develop sexual feelings with that person. So hetero and demi, yes!
If you are interested in learning more, you should visit the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. They have a lot of online resources and an excellent forum full of aces all across the spectrum who would be happy to answer your questions
As for the range, it pretty much goes from sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, sex-positive asexual to gray-a, and within gray-a there are demisexuals, who are described as asexuals who don’t develop sexual attraction until after developing a deep emotional connection. Gray-a’s in general sometimes have sexual attraction, sometimes don’t. But the defining factor in any asexual on the scale is a lack of desire for sex with anyone.
I’m a little confused. You mentioned asexual individuals who identify as asexual but enjoy sex.
To clarify, do you mean they physically enjoy sex but do not desire it? Or do you mean they enjoy it but abstain for moral/religious/other reasons? I was under the impression that the latter typically is not an asexual individual but one who has chonen to abstain from sex, whereas asexuality is not a choice.
Thank you for the educating posts. I don’t know much about asexuality or the ace community. I want to learn more about it tho and hopefully gain a better understanding.
Physically enjoy, but don’t desire.
You don’t feel any particular interest or urge to have sex, and you could get along just fine without it, but if you do have sex it’s still an enjoyable experience.
And yeah, you’re right. Broadly, if someone’s not having sex because they’re abstaining, rather than because they simply don’t want to, you usually wouldn’t call them asexual.
To add my two bits: I don’t usually experience sexual attraction (though there are other kinds of attraction I do experience). But if I ever did commit to someone and they were interested in sex, I wouldn’t necessarily object. I’ve had sex before, and I really enjoyed it, but being asexual isn’t about behavior, it’s about who you find sexy.
Choosing not to have sex, abstaining, is a behavior, and isn’t always determined by attraction.
I hope this helps O:-)
Four forms of enjoyment possible.
1) Physical. I mean, at the end of the day, nerve endings are nerve endings and it’s not like asexuals have those cut off. They can still enjoy sensations even if they are not sexually attracted to anyone. So for those who can focus just on that, it can feel a way.
2)Emotional. As an asexual who regularly engages in sex with partners, a huge draw for me is the enjoyment my partner gets from something I am doing. To see someone I love enjoy something that is for them, super powerful, is kinda amazing and makes me feel all “yeah, I did that. I have the capability to do that” which is ego-flattering.
3)Intellectual. This is a HUGE draw for me. It’s like, here’s this puzzle where I have absolutely no personal knowledge on how anything feels, where I’m going entirely by what my partner communicates in moans, responsiveness, etc… and by doing a technical combination of finger, mouth, or spoken motions, I can make their body feel amazing and make them come. And that’s so frickin cool, especially when you’re focusing on a million things at once, reading their movements like a hawk because they’ve gone subverbal, and a wrong move could bring them completely out of it. It’s like Professor Layton on Speed and it makes one feel like a fucking chess goddess when you get it right. It’s like the ultimate nerd thrill.
4)Non-traditional needs. I put this one down for more the receiving. Sometimes receiving sex can meet other needs than sexual or sexual connection. Such as relieving dysphoria (to be touched in a way that is affirming to your actual sex or reduces body shame). Also providing emotional needs in kink such as affirmation of power, endurance, zen-like states, etc…
Overall, with all of these, it’s specific to the asexual. And it’s not at all uncommon to have no benefits from sex and instead get a lot of pressure to be “normal”. Even for kinky sluts like me, it’s really rough being ace in a sexual world because sexual attraction, sexual chemistry, etc… are assumed to be so universal. Even loving partners who I’ve been enthusiastic with have been slightly put off by the fact that I can never give them that mutual chemistry and that my focus will often be very strongly on them which can make them feel self-conscious at first.
And to answer your other question. No, asexuals are not people who feel sexual attraction but abstain for religious reasons. Those are called celibates and honestly have little in common with asexuals as they are repressing a desire within themselves wherein asexuals simply do not have those desires to begin with.
And celibates who’d try to hang with asexuals to avoid thinking about sex would be sad to find out that asexuals have to think rather deeply about sex and sexual desire simply to figure out survival mechanisms for a world that is DEEPLY sexual, but also in denial about its sexual assumptions. It’s a hard road to travel.
Hope this helped.
Oh also, 5) gray-aces and demisexuals can still access sexual attraction under specific circumstances or intermittently, so definitely want to note that as well as they are part of our giant ace umbrella. Solidarity fist-bump.
I love the phrase “Professor Layton on Speed” XD
Professor Layton on speed thing, yeah, that’s awesome.
Ugh, this hit me right in the gut. I think about this sort of thing all the time, as someone who has no desire for sexual anythings but feeling pressured into it for the sake of the allosexual in the relationship. I felt it when Anwar said “fucking freak”. Made me tear up some.
I don’t identify as asexual, but I have been in some romantic/snuggly but not really attracted relationships… And the “If you don’t want to have sex you must not really love me” card has gotten me so jumpy, I can fly off the handle sometimes and can be SUPER insecure about proving a libido I may not feel.
It sucks more than anything when you care about someone and your chosen expression isn’t recognized…. and you have to find the medium between your feelings and theirs without sacrificing your boundaries.
*sniffle* It’s okay, honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. *SNERRRRRFFFF* Excuse me, my nose has sprung a leak…
no one should feel like a freak for the amount of sex they do or do not want to have or the age they are when they first want/have sex or whatever! It’s such a stupid thing to brag about but unfortunately society enforces it with all movies starting with American Pie where loosing ones virginity is the one thing to achieve and magazines going on and on about how to improve your sexlife.
I myself feel real sexual attraction very seldom and definitely have a lot more turn downs (superficial and character-wise) than turn ons. There have been at least as many times where I didn’t enjoy sex and just felt bored as when I did, I now didn’t have sex (or a relationship) for almost three years and I don’t feel like I miss much but I probably wouldn’t tell anyone irl. However, I do feel sexual desire so I wouldn’t say I’m asexual or demisexual, I’m just not as sexually interested or maybe driven as other people.
I get the impression that most of the people hitting on me just want to have sex and see me just as a means to an end or someone they want to add to their “trophy-collection”, I’ve never felt this way about anyone, I don’t mind one night stands (infact I’d prefer them if the alternative is a relationship for the sake of having a relationship), but I mind sex for the sake of having sex (hope that makes sense)
I don’t think any of this makes me a freak but I’ll admit it took active effort, experience and growing-up to come to the conclusion. I think I wouldn’t even mind an asexual relationship if I fell in love with an asexual person because I don’t feel there is something wrong with it or that a sex life has to be the base of a good relationship…comfortable intimacy, yes but that doesn’t have to be sleeping with each other, it can also mean being honest, trusting, caring and cuddling^^
Hope this also cheers up some other non-as-sexuals here ;)
Cheered me up, thank you :) I’m in a similar sort of position (heh, positions…) – not had sex in aaaages because I just haven’t met anyone I’ve felt attracted to enough to want to have sex with them. (Also, self-esteem issues, but I’m dealing with them).
The silly thing is, I do feel a bit embarrassed about it/like there’s something wrong with me – so while I’m not asexual, Anwar’s feels here are still striking a little bit of a chord.
I’m similar to an extent. I suppose I’d rate as a sexual, but as long as I don’t meet anyone that I feel genuinely drawn to on more than a physical level I’m perfectly fine not engaging in any sexual activities.
I really like the “I mind sex for the sake of having sex” phrase, because that is exactly what it is for me. Given the right partner I have a stupidly high sex drive, but sex simply as a source of physical pleasure or a source for emotional fulfillment that isn’t based on a deeper connection between me and my partner holds absolutely no interest for me.
That being said, and maybe to offer up another perspective, I have felt just as much as a freak for wanting a lot of sex when with the right person. The first serious relationship I was in was with a low-libido sexual, the second one that I am now in is with an asexual veering on the side of sex-repulsed. It is very difficult territory to navigate, because while I don’t want to make her uncomfortable with my sexuality, I can’t turn that part of me off either. I love her very much, so I desire her very much as well.
And on bad days that leads to her feeling like a freak for not wanting sex and me feeling like a freak for wanting it too much. But hey, so far we’ve muddled through with lots of cuddles and talking. :)
:(
There’s nothing wrong with you, honey.
Absolutely nothing.
You’re NOT a freak, Anwar!
Oh Anwar bb. I just want to cuddle him and tell him there’s nothing wrong with him.
Still loving this comic. Poor Anwar!
Dooooooh! Anwar! Please don’t! Poor thing! You’re not a freak! Don’t say those things!
Perspective is important, Anwar.
The freak feeling is a hard one to push back against sometimes. As someone who is both trans* and ace, the social consideration of me as a giant freak is sometimes a hard one to fight back against consistently.
So yeah, I definitely empathize with Anwar’s feels here.
I feel you my Ace brother I know that “i’m a freak feel” [askkjdfghad i’m so happy this is the best thing even if he’s sad about it this is the best thing that I can have someone who I can really relate with!]