Shades Of A 005
Finally back on my main computer. I’ve moved workrooms and had to sort out a wireless adaptor for my desktop so livestream was interesting today!
Next livestream Thursday 9am as usual!
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Not sure if it’s just me but this page isn’t coming up when you click on the previous one, and no ‘next’ button is showing. It is showing up on the forum page discussion though (which is how I’m here). My apologies if it is just me!
Not just you, new site bugs are turning up and being fixed!
God, I’m just so happy this comic exists. Before, I checked Khaos religiously every day, and not being able to do that anymore would have killed me. Now I’m checking THIS comic the same way, and god it’s so good. I’m so fricking happy with just these 5 pages it’s almost absurd. The only thing I was a bit unsure about was the colouring (at first), but I realise you’re like ridiculously good at it so no complains!
A VERY IMPORTANT REQUEST:
Can you make/recommend a text on asexuality and also gender neutral people, like your do’s and don’ts transexuality list?
I’m constantly catching myself thinking like “Oh, I wonder if this characters is a girl or a boy.” and then continue, slightly horrified “No no, I’m not supposed to think like that! That’s rude! Ze is neither!” and then pause and think “Wait, is it rude? Maybe it isn’t?” and then just stare at the screen in thought for 10 minutes.
I also get similar thoughts about asexual people, like “I wonder what his romantic orientation is.” and then think “Is that a ok question to ask? Because otherwise you might end up asking that person out to realise that he/she is not interested in even romantic interests and that would be Awkward.”
It’s so confusing, especially when the only real source I have for this stuff is FANFICTION, which is generally very much NOT realistic! XD
So yes, I would really REALLY appreciate it if you could recommend or make something like that if/when you have the time!
As a genderqueer person… and of course I can only speak for myself… when strangers ask, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I find the question irritating and rude and unnecessary. When I’ve been interacting with someone for a little while and they say something like, “I’m sorry, I just want to make sure I don’t make you uncomfortable; by which pronouns do you prefer to be addressed?” or something to that effect, I’m much more receptive, because then it’s not just a pointlessly indiscreet question that seeks to find out the state of my genitalia–it’s someone who respectfully cares about how I personally identify.
As for who people are romantically attracted to… is it ok to ask someone “are you gay? are you into men? are you into women?” If not, then it’s also not ok to ask someone who is asexual what their romantic preference is. I would imagine that it’s alright in the same contexts as it’s alright with someone else. And you know what, sometimes you just have to take a chance and say, “I’m drawn to you and I would be interested in starting something with you within the bounds of what you’re comfortable with if you would also be interested in that.” If the person’s not interested, they will let you know, but the key is to be respectful about it (and to not ask just to satisfy one’s own curiosity). No matter how the person identifies in terms of gender or (a)sexuality.
I find I don’t mind a bit of curiosity when it comes to my own identity, but then I’m generally just glad when someone doesn’t automatically assume I’m female. I catch myself wondering sometimes how a person identifies, but I suppose that’s kind of how I’d want people to think approach me—the ‘are you a girl or a boy?’ thing can be painful and, as Taylor said, rude. I don’t know if society is at the point where such a thing is ‘unnecessary’ (although in an ideal world, gender wouldn’t be such a key identifier) and I think the average person is going to be a bit tactless until such a point as nonbinary gender IDs come to the fore of the public consciousness.
Think of it in terms of identity, not gender or society’s idea of gender. ‘I wonder how they identify?’ essentially gets across the same thought. As Taylor said, in a real-world situation, asking which pronouns a person prefers really is the most tactful way of approaching things.
just a friendly reminder that some people don’t have romantic orientations; aromanticism is a thing that exists just like asexuality! I’m aro/ace myself :)
Here’s a good resource concerning asexuality. Regarding your example, it assumes that the person in question is already out to you as asexual, in which case, it’s a safe bet that they won’t be annoyed if you ask about their romantic orientation.
I agree with Taylor about taking a chance. I personally feel like it’s hard to develop a romantic relationship with someone you don’t know. If you know someone well enough to know that they’re ace, then you’re probably friends with that person. That tends to mean that you know them well enough that they’d most likely be willing to let down their guard. Overall, just treat them like any other person. That’s all most of us want anyway.
Koko, I’m an androgyne, and I sometimes catch myself wondering if somebody’s a girl or a boy too. I was even confused about my own gender for a long time (not a fun way to live). You can’t instantly undo a lifetime of being told there are 2 genders… but keep trying.
Anyway, taylor and Sunset are right, it’s probably not good to actually say “are you a girl or a boy?” out loud to somebody… although in my case I wouldn’t mind too much. I’d just say “no, I’m not” and go on my way.
I look at this thread and I’m kind of unhappy about it. If acceptance and understanding is what genderqueer\asexual people want, the first thing to achieve that is to be accepting and understanding of people who don’t know or understand much about your orientation, are maybe curious about it, and ask you in a way that doesn’t seem rude to them – even if it seems rude to you. Yeah, okay, I understand how it could be difficult – but it seems to me some of the replies above are people being offended for no reason. You have to understand that almost anyone you’re talking to has spent way less time thinking about these things then you have, and you shouldn’t be offended by things people just ask because they’re people. For example, I’d never even thought about asking someone what pronouns they prefer (or that there were so many choices! Geez!) before reading the comments to this comic. It doesn’t make me a bad or rude person – your expectations are just too high.
I agree. I’m ace, but I’m very open to people asking – because they don’t get it. I know that, because I don’t get a lot of things either. So that’s why you ask, learn and know. However I find people being somewhat offended. I mean, how is someone supposed to know how you want to be addressed or questioned (or not at all) if they don’t find out for themselves?
BUT. There is a point where it becomes invasive and rude. I’ve had one person practically say there’s something medically wrong with me and that’s why I’m asexual. As if they just can’t accept that I am unless there’s some kind of solid reason that would prevent me from having sex. That’s where it becomes offensive. No one wants a million questions directed towards them, especially about something like this. We’re not some unusual type of species that need to be studied just because we’re different. Sometimes it is just better to mind your own business and keep your mouth shut. For us, it’s normal. For you it might not be, but that doesn’t mean you can question us to your heart’s desire.
So I can see it from both ways. I guess the thing is to not be so defensive if someone asks. Because they might not always know, be new and just want to know you better so they can learn what to do and what not to do. It’s good to educate others, just try not to sound so impudent while doing so… same with asking people personal questions. :)
Um, I’d have to say I disagree with you? We’re not saying don’t ask questions, or at least I’m not. We’re saying don’t be rude about it. I would think walking up to someone and asking them about their sex life flat-out would be rude, regardless of whether or not they’re ace. If it came up in a conversation and someone was confused, there’s some context there that makes asking questions acceptable. The same with gender identity.
Genderqueer is part of the trans spectrum. Do you think it’s okay to walk up to an FTM or MTF you don’t know and ask if they’re a boy or a girl? If not, why do you think it’s okay to do that to someone who is androgynous, genderqueer, gender neutral, etc? Or just any person in general. Like Taylor said, when people ask that question without context it can come across as them wanting to take a metaphorical peek into our pants to see what “parts” we got so they can address us “properly.” How is that not rude?
You chalk it up as people being people, when to us it’s people not treating us like people. I’d like to think that asking questions about people’s private lives unwelcome purely because they’re curious would be looked down upon regardless of the orientation/gender identity of said person. You’re trying to arque for a double standard, which I honestly don’t like at all.
Most of us are fine answering questions when we’ve brought the conversation up ourselves or if it’s with our friends. We want people to understand us and we know that most people don’t realize we even exist. It’s not like we’re expecting people to know everything about us already and get offended when they don’t. It’s when strangers ask us without any precedent/tact that we get kind of annoyed.
Also, saying, “Geez!” does not help your argument. That in itself is somewhat rude. It sounds to me like you’re basically saying, “Geez, can’t believe these people care so much about their gender identity! Why can’t they be content with the two options of boy or girl? That would sure make MY life easier!” Regardless of whether or not you meant that, it definitely didn’t add any points to your rhetoric there, Nil :/
M pretty much has it down. It’s not the fact that people ask that bothers me (as someone has mentioned already, some curiosity is fine)–it’s how/when they ask. I understand that many people haven’t thought about gender identities as much as I have, but you should by now have spent enough time around people in general to realize that a) there is a tactful way to ask questions and b) some questions are just rude. When I’m at the mall and someone I’ve never spoken to comes up to me and asks, “Hey are you a boy or a girl?” that is not ok, and you don’t have to have spent time thinking about these issues to realize that.
I’m quoting you here, Nil: “Yeah, okay, I understand how it could be difficult – but it seems to me some of the replies above are people being offended for no reason. You have to understand that almost anyone you’re talking to has spent way less time thinking about these things then you have, and you shouldn’t be offended by things people just ask because they’re people.” Like M pointed out from a different passage of your reply, that’s like discrediting my comfort for other people’s just because I’m different. The onus shouldn’t be on me to be constantly justifying myself and educating others–the onus should be on every one of us to accept people as they are, especially when they’re not harming others. You don’t need to label them by gender, sexuality, ethnicity, age, or any of the other myriad categories to accept them. Part of that is just having empathy for your fellow human being. Before you ask someone a personal question, take a moment to think, “Well if I ask that, how will that make that person feel?” That’s not specific to gender, that’s just a matter of simple consideration.
By the way, I do get asked a lot about my gender, and I do take the time to explain, because usually people ARE considerate, even if they’ve never had any exposure to these issues. Because of that, I know tact and consideration aren’t unreasonable things to expect.
I don’t think it’s rude if you somewhat know the person and want to know how to address them, asking a stranger is weird as fuck, though.
I followed you here from Khaos, and I’m loving the new comic. The art is phenomenal and so much better than what I could ever do, the coloring is awesome, and the story seems like it’s shaping up to be a good one. I have one request, however. Can you consider adding a ‘first’ and ‘latest’ button? If you’re going to post multiple stories a la Khaos, maybe consider doing buttons like Oglaf- previous story, next story, first (in current story) latest.. it would make navigation a whole lot easier, especially as you get more pages. Thanks, and keep posting the great artwork!
“Ta” very much? Is this another British thing? Because I don’t get it. I can understand it means thanks, I’ve just never heard the term before.
Yep it’s British, pretty much exactly the same as ‘cheers’, or just thanks. The ‘very much’ I think is an optional add-on to ‘ta’ you wouldn’t hear it with cheers. I couldn’t tell you what dialect this is. To me ‘ta very much’ sounds Yorkshire, but that’s just cause I grew up there.
— experienced-American
Matt, you’re right – ‘ta’, and ‘ta very much’ are Yorkshire phrases. I’m from Yorkshire myself, and it does generally mean ‘thanks’.
As an additional, in Yorkshire, it is very common for a person to address a stranger as ‘love’, ‘duck’, or ‘cock’ (and I have heard all three used at one point or another). It’s also common to say goodbye as ‘ta rah’. (Pronounce tuh-RAH).
– South Yorkshire lad
Thanks for the insight! I can’t imagine a Yorkshire resident saying “cock” to a stranger, that would not go over well in America. Hahaha!
“Your kink is not my kink, but that’s OK.”
One important lesson I took away from my first kink event: it’s more than OK to walk away from a scene and not watch. I’ve seen some things that really made me uncomfortable, but I also know from talking with the participants that everyone involved were actually enjoying themselves and willing participants (even if some of the acts are ‘consensual non-consensual’ kink.)
Heck, I think that’s a good lesson for life in general, actually!
This! Not wanting to watch something doesn’t mean you hate it and think the people doing it are wrong, you just don’t want to watch it.
i listened to the wrong reading playlist while i read this. i tend to listen to the complete opposite of whatever i’m reading just so i don’t immerse myself to deep but i clicked the wrong one so it’s a little too intense especially since i put of reading this for so long.