Shades After 036
Genuine reason a person I know has been dumped. Some people are controlling assholes.
Discord Comics
A collection of Queer LGBT* Comics by Tab Kimpton
Currently Updating
INFERNAL RELATIONS
Updates Monday
Faster updates & NSFW all on my patreon
Latest Comics
Archive
Buy from the Store
|
 |
Subscribe
For important news about kickstarters, comics and new stuff by TabFollow on Social Media
 |
 |
 |
Anwar has good intuition. That would have flown right over my head.
Or maybe I just stink at reading people.
I don’t think I would have noticed if I didn’t already know JD was genderqueer
I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that they have been such close friends for so long.
I’ve known people who break up with others just because they didn’t do something to their liking. It’s really interesting how people can just think they can control others in that sort of sense.
Not sure what you mean … often, breaking up with someone who does something you don’t like is 100% justified. Like, for example, if they cheat.
Except in this example (at least in face value) it’s because they cut their hair. I don’t know how something as simple as that would be considered 100% justified. That pretty much gives the person permission or a-okay to be THAT controlling, and it’s concerning that someone would be that controlling in the first place. At least that’s what I think BeastChan was getting at :/
I don’t think it is “controlling” as such to break up with someone after they do something you can’t accept. It may be superficial, but control requires that the threat of breakup is used to make someone act in a specific way.
So, his demanding that she ask him for permission to cut her hair is totally controlling.
If he had just said “I hate your new haircut, I break up”, he would be very superficial, but I wouldn’t say it’s controlling behaviour.
I mean, I’m very choosy about my friends, and won’t accept people who say or do things or hold opinions that make me uncomfortable. Am I controlling because I end friendships with men who say misogynist things? It is not as if I try to control them – they are free to continue holding those opinions. They just don’t get to talk to me anymore.
Have to disagree with you, there. It’s passive-aggressively controlling. And SUPER superficial. Seriously. Hair grows out.
As to discontinuing a friendship because of belief differences…that doesn’t bug me. Your friends are supposed to share things in common with you, and if you don’t want to surround yourself with misogyny, then that’s not a problem. I’d probably call them on it first, then see if it happens again, but I see your way, too.
I think Moonrose is saying that in a vaccuum, if someone gets their hair cut and their partner hates it so much that they break up, then it’s not necessarily controlling (in this hypothetical situation wherein the former isn’t aware that the latter hates short hair, and the latter isn’t aware that the former is planning to get a haircut).
On the other hand, this nothing really ever happens in a vaccuum, and I think it’s reasonable to believe that anyone who would break up over something like a haircut most likely has an implicit belief of ownership over their partner, and thus probably explicitly or implicitly does other things that are a lot closer to (or altogether add up to) being controlling.
Also contextual is whether or not the breakup itself is done “cleanly,” or if it has undertones of “these are the conditions which you must fulfill in order to have me as your partner; fix it” – which, needless to say, is very controlling.
Everything’s contextual.
There’s different degrees of “partner doing something you don’t like”. I think the question is, does it affect/hurt you? Being cheated on hurts you. Someone else cutting their hair doesn’t hurt you.
Of course, there’s always going to be grey areas. Partner getting a tattoo doesn’t hurt you, per se – but partner getting a swastika tattoo certainly could be hurtful and a massive red flag.
And then there’s “partner doing things” that are dangerous, not necessarily to you, but to them. For example, I would break up with someone if they were a drunk driver, even if they’d never driven me anywhere. I’d give them the ultimatum that I would stay if they got therapy and stopped drink-driving, but if they didn’t, I’d leave.
The swastika is an ancient buddhist symbol, still used quite prevalently today btw.
Yeah – my dad has swastika tats for that reason!
He’s not Buddhist, but he agrees with a lot of the ideas behind it.
Well, as I’ve heard said, “wanting to leave is enough.” However, if someone keeps saying they’ll dump you cuz you don’t do what they say, that’s a form of abuse. People CAN break up with other people for the most arbitrary things and everyone has that right. Doesn’t make one not a douchebad, though.
I think that you hit it right on the head here. I would question what the rest of their relationship was like, considering that he was mad because JD did not ask his permission first. Looking at how he reacted, I am sure that it would have been a “if you cut your hair I will break up with you” is they had asked him anyway.
And, I know that breaking up sucks, especially when it is over something so superficial. I that that it hurts the most when it is over a little thing. It’s like, what, because of this one little thing (ex. length of hair) the rest of me isn’t worth keeping? What does that say about how worthwhile I am? And that kind of thing is a complete mind-fuck. :(
But I hope that JD eventually saw it as a good thing (and I have a feeling that they did). That kind of relationship SUCKS, and this kind of behavior is a major red flag to GET THE FUCK AWAY ASAP! Anyone deserves better, and JD especially.
I feel for both of them.
People suck so hard and are so controlling (esp over hair).
And it would have gone over my head too.
Ugh, I *hate* when people try and make decisions over their partners’ looks, choices, anything like that.
You have the right not to *like* your partner’s new haircut, but if you break up with them for not looking the way you like them to any more, you’re shallow – and if you break up with them for not consulting you on a decision that doesn’t involve you in any way, you’re headed right into abuser territory and they’re better off without you.
I’d rather be shallow than an abuser. (I love long hair on men. Very much. Still, I don’t think I’d break up because of a haircut – after all, good men are hard to find … on the other hand, good JDs are maybe not so hard to find; or at least ex-boyfriend seems to think so)
Nice of this asshole to break up with JD, spares her the effort to do it herself. Also, what kind of insecure idiot is he to worry about them looking like a gay couple? Now, maybe JD has come out as, um, gender-neutral, that would be a reason to break up if he’s attracted to women, I suppose, but my intuition is worse than Anwar’s, so I have no idea what this is about.
Friendly reminder:
The pronoun you’re looking for is “them”. JD uses “they/them/their” not “he/him/his” or “she/her/hers”.
This is the past, so for all we know, JD still uses “she”. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget how present JD identifies.
Anwar used they/them/their when referring to this period of their life, so we should too.
Moonrose, that’s an extremely disrespectful attitude. If you applied that to living trans people such as myself or others, you would quickly earn their ire. It doesn’t matter what pronouns someone used in the past, because we don’t live in the past, we live in the present.
If you referred to past me as “she” I would tell you where you can shove it, but I’ll do that anyway because you NEVER refer to anyone who does not identify as what they were assigned at birth as what they identified as in the past – EVER. JD is a “they” in the past, present, and future. Tab has gone over this many times in previous installments, and for you to simply choose not to care?
Your other comments in regards to abuse are just as gross, in case others’ responses to those haven’t tipped you off.
Everything Ethan said. It is incredibly disrespectful to remind someone of a past that is no doubt incredibly painful for them. Plus the fact that you seem very pro-emotional abuse makes me thoroughly disgusted in you.
You know all the news articles that call out a trans person’s birth name, plus the whole “born a boy” and “born a girl” thing? It’s the same deal with pronouns.
Nobody has a right to know the name I was assigned at birth except me and my parents (implicitly, by virtue of having chosen it), and no one has a right to -use- that name except me. Similarly, no one has the right to use the pronouns assigned to me at birth except me. Ever, for any reason. I may grant people permission to one or more of these things for various reasons, but it’s my choice, not theirs.
We’re allowed more intimate relationships with characters than we are with the average person, so it is relevant for us to know that JD previously dated Anwar whilst being referred to as “Jade,” and to understand the context of this flashback, but it stops there. JD hasn’t given anyone permission to use their previous name or pronouns as an identifier for them, and it’s not our right to take it. JD may not be a real person, but those reading this story who identify closely with them are very real, as are anyone on whom their character is based.
I agree that individuals have a right to privacy, including their identity in all of its facets, in their personal life. Individuals have a right to expect respect for their self-identification, but, sadly, that respect is not always given. But to say that nobody has the right to know ones birth name and gender is not true. For example (in the USA), social security, internal revenue service, bureau of motor vehicles, law enforcement, the list goes on. Privacy in our world is relative and identity continues to be legislated by government.
I’m in the United States and aside from the states where you cannot change your gender marker on your birth certificate, you CAN change everything.
If you think that’s different in other countries, you’re kidding yourself. There’s still legal paperwork, and, just like in the States, you have to go and pay fees to change your name and gender marker on your identification. Other nations require you to be on hormones, or have GCS (SRS).
As for saying that no one has the right to know a transperson’s birthname, that is 100% true. If you were not somehow intimately involved in my life prior to my coming out (family member, close friend, partner, doctor), then you have no business whatsoever knowing the name my mom gave me when I was born. The legal people kinda have to know because of this thing called identity theft and criminal records, but I assure you I’d rip them a new one if they called me today and didn’t address me with male pronouns and as Ethan.
If someone dumps you for changing your appearance, especially on such a minor level, they did you a favor, full stop. Take all their stuff out of your house, set it on fire, then go out and celebrate your new found freedom. Probably after you get over the crushing blow to your self-esteem =\
I dunno, something like this wouldn’t upset me so much as just piss me off. Then again I’m so fiercely independent that any attempt to control me would be met with immediate and sarcastic defiance.
One of my earliest words/phrases was “I’m independent!” so I totally get that, and I agree with the consensus that someone flipping out over something like hair is better off dating someone else (certainly I think JD deserves better). I have wonderful partners that help me dye mine so I know they exist.
And an excellent job they do too
Someone I know (Who happens to be a trans man) got grounded for like THREE MONTHS because he cut his own hair.
Happy ending though, this was like three years ago and now-a-days his hairs are smexy and he’s doing really anything he wants to it. … Not without his father commenting on it EVERY TIME HE’S HOME FROM COLLEGE, but at least it’s about the color and not the length.
I have a very close and dear friend who broke up with his girlfriend because she got her breast tattooed and did not even tell him she was thinking about doing this. Some may call it controlling, but for him, that was a breach in trust, in sharing your feelings and “lifelong choices” with the one you love before running off and making decisions that could affect you both as a couple. Tattoos are permanent, unlike a haircut; however, she knew already that he hated tattoos for religious reasons, and she did it anyway.
I suppose if this Sam guys was some strict Christian against homosexuality for religious reasons, then he would also feel a breach in trust if his “girlfriend” wanted to look more “butch.” It’s too easy to just say “HE’S A CONTROLLING ASSHOLE” and not dig deeper into the personal reasons for such actions. Changing appearance, especially shifting away from gender stereotypes as we know JD is beginning to do, can easily be categorized under these issues that affect BOTH partners, and therefore should at least be brought up in passing. A simple “I’m thinking about cutting my hair” suffices to keep communication flowing.
My friend is hardly controlling (he’s totally submissive) and he’s one of the sweetest guys I know, but he adheres to his religion, which means no tats. He never would have been able to look at her breast without cringing because of his beliefs.
Besides, even if Sam was out of line, we all know that there is a much bigger underlying reason for JD and their choices. The hair was just the tip of a huge iceberg that I’m sure led to an argument that went way beyond hair length. They’re better off without someone who is sensitive to issues about homosexuality and gender stereotypes.
Religions that accept sex/nudity before marriage are religions that don’t say anything about tattoos. How religious is your friend again?
“decisions that could affect you both as a couple”???? This was her choice to make with her body, as far as i can tell.
As far as the comic goes, Sam is definitely a controlling asshole. If he doesn’t want his partner to “look Butch” because he is against homosexuality, that makes him an asshole.
If he breaks up with them because of their hair, that makes him controlling.
It’s okay that he broke up with her – if he doesn’t want to have a partner with tattoos, that is his choice. BUT her body is hers to do with as she likes, so no, I don’t think she should have involved him in the decision. (I read somewhere that women’s husbands are invited to talks about breast cancer treatment, and I, personally, consider this to have bad implications. If a woman wants to bring her partner for emotional support, great, but I don’t think anyone other than she herself should get a say in the decision on whether to get a mastectomy. Yes, there are men who will break up with a woman who no longer has breasts, but women are better off without them.)
As she knew how much he hated tattoos, methinks that relationship might have been at its end anyway, and her getting a tattoo was just a way to show that she doesn’t want to be in that relationship anymore. I can’t really imagine that the tattoo thing was the only topic where his religion didn’t mix with her beliefs and wishes.
Yes, I agree with Moonrose. I don’t think it’s the fact he didn’t like her having tattoos that bothers me, it’s the fact you said he felt it was a breach of trust not to tell him she was doing it. That is none of his business and smacks of controlling/abusive behavior. I dated a man who was like that. He was always acting butthurt if I dared to dress in a way he didn’t like or did something different with myself without “consulting” him. Breaking up with him was the best move ever. Men (and women) who are that controlling are gross.
I have a bit of TMI story to add then, I had a friend whose girlfriend thought him masturbating was “cheating” on her. Which I flat out told him was controlling abusive bullshit. It’s his body and he has the right to do with it what he wanted (not to mention he’s had his body longer than he’d been with her!). I think no one had ever given him that speech because he seemed surprised, but that goes both ways, if women have bodily autonomy (despite what repugs would like you to believe) so do men and either sex is capable of being an immature ass. And they broke up eventually– because she cheated (no surprise to anyone who understands displacement- she was always accusing him of cheating when that was what She was doing)
Yuck (to your friend, not to his girlfriend who wanted to masturbate)! Hopefully he learned from that.
I have known both sexes to be like that way. My husband lost a dear friend, because the wife pretty much cut him off from all his friends. She hit him in front of my husband once. Then she cheated on him and talked him into believing their marriage would improve now because they would get counseling. Of course, it didn’t. He is still cut off from friends. The worst part is if my DH’s friend was a woman, lots others would at least know where to begin to explain he is in an abusive situation, but because he is a man even my husband was afraid how to approach it.
Rest assured, this is not the worst part. An uncle of mine is in an abusive relationship with a woman, and everyone in my family is aware of it, and calls it what it is … he still isn’t emotionally able to divorce her – and THAT is the worst part of it.
How sad! This frequently happens to women in abusive relationships, too. Many will stay and return if/when they leave. Victimized men, however, are less likely to leave or even really admit there’s an issues. Most people cannot wrap their minds around abuse happening to both sexes—and I believe this is a big part of why abuse continues to happen. Little children who grow up in that kind of environment (regardless of which parent is abused) either grow into abusers or victims unless they are fortunate enough to have someone step in.
My ex husband used to get teased a lot for having a wife with a boyish haircut. He took it in stride, but it upset me a lot when I found out.
That’s really crummy! He should have told them where to stick their stupidity—or found something to mock them about.
Aw, JD…. My first boyfriend broke up with my because I cut my hair, too… We were thirteen, though. Another friend found out he was going to break up with me at my birthday party, so I guess I was at least spared that.
I guess this is where JD realizes they’re more than female….. I want to hug JD so much!
It’s so interesting to me that everyone mentioned in this comment thread who has a partner or family member thinking it’s reasonable to dictate their appearance? Apparently assigned female at birth.
I simultaneously think this is extremely shitty and also understand it a little. We do live in a culture that assigns status to people partly on the basis of their female partner’s appearance. And no, that does not make it okay to try to dictate your partner’s appearance.
I appreciated in this article about practical ways men can support feminism:
http://www.xojane.com/issues/feminism-men-practical-steps
That one of the suggestions is that you have no opinion about the appearance choices of the women in your life, whether it’s short hair/long hair, shaving/not shaving, skirts/pants, or anything else. That you be the one person that doesn’t tell her how she’s supposed to look.
A culture that assigns status to men partly on the basis on their female partner’s appearance and … assigns status to women completely based on their own appearance. “People” is misleading, I doubt a lesbian woman can gain status by acquiring a pretty girlfriend.
To be honest, I have little to no pity for men who feel they must have a pretty girlfriend to be respected. Their girlfriends invariably have it so much worse.
My mother in law told my husband (who identifies as somewhere between male and neutral) that she disapproved of his painted nails and nicely-styled long hair. On our wedding day.
Just… wanting to point out that it’s not just about people AFAB. Although, as a transman, I got far more flak about my appearance decisions from my mother than the hubby did from his, soooo… take that as you will.
(The “best” one being her telling me how much she hated me having a beard, and appealing to then-fiance about me not getting married with it. It didn’t go as she hoped!)
My ex used to (semi-jokingly) say that he’d leave me if I ever cut my hair.
So one day I met him at the door with a cute a-line bob and the news that I was moving out.
I’ll have your crown forged immediately, you are now the king/queen/monarch of the internet.
*elaborate bow* Your royal majesty, how would you like your internets served to you? On a platter? In a bowl? With a bith of Java on the side?
I am reminded of when I was asking my husband his opinion on growing my hair out it cutting it shorter. He thought about it and replies “whichever one means you complain (about my hair) less.” Which was of course the right answer.
The thing is even though JD’s partner broke up with them it’s still an attempt to make them feel bad and guilty over cutting their hair: so controlling.
I really hate it when people pull that shit. Like the people calling Felicia Days new hair cut ugly when (according to myself and my husband) she is actually so hot with short hair.
Hm, I used to tell my ex I’d break up with her if she got fat. It was mostly a joke, since she’s an eternal waif. But that was one of the only things I insisted on. That said, I prefer my romantic partner to be skinny.
Only “mostly” a joke? Yikes.
What? Most people have a physical preference. I like small women.
That’s pretty disgusting. Just sayin.
Why’s that disgusting? I’ll reiterate as above: most everyone has their own standards of attraction. I prefer small women.
Besides, if she got fat, then something would have to be extremely wrong. Like, “Go to the doctor right away, I think something is making you explode,” wrong.
Besides, I didn’t break up with her because she got fat. (She didn’t.) I broke up with her because she wanted marriage.
My best friends are a M/F couple. She regularly grows her hair long (which he loves), then gets bored and cuts it into a mohawk or some other partially-shaved style. He just sighs and points out that it will grow back… then helps her dye it.
He probably WOULD be upset if she didn’t mention it first, but we’re talking “I didn’t get my last chance to appreciate it long!” pouting, rather than anything controlling. Also because communication is sexy.
Sam wanted to date a WOMAN. He didn’t care that JD was a “they,” not a “she,” just that they had breasts and a vagina. I’m betting you that he broke up with them the moment he thought JD didn’t look feminine enough.
Sounds like, yes.
No, it was more controlling asshole than incompatible sexualities.