Shades After 016
I hope it’s clear that Anwar’s mum is just grasping at straws at this point. Often parents point blame when their children come out- a lot of the time at themselves as a way to try and make sense of the situation and give themselves some illusion of control over how their kids grow up.
Got any stories like that? Fortunately I’m second generation queer in my family, my late Uncle was gay and my youngest Aunt got married to her wife last year so my mum’s much more chilled than most.
yeah, when i came out to my mom she kept blaming herself. “i didnt raise you like this” “where did i go wrong” and no matter how many times i told her that it wasnt her fault that it had literally NOTHING to do with her to this day she still thinks like that.
she loves me a lot, and shes trying, but she just blames herself. she kept telling me it was a phase, but its been years so shes getting used to the idea. havent came out to my dad yet, tho. mom has always been a bit more liberal than my pops, and i did accidentally (drunkenly) out myself to her SO there wasnt much to do about it.
My father said, “I raised you as a heterosexual! not a HOMOSEXUAL!” I told him, ” you didnt raise me AT ALL!”. It’s impossible explaining pansexuality to anyone in my family besides my mum :( she said shes always known.
This is probably my favorite page in all of the comic so far…
Such poignancy.
Poor Anwar. ;___;
That last thing she says. It’s what my mom says to me…
Anwar. she doesn’t understand and she has no right. she’s trying to find a cause, and she’s comparing her own ideals to you. She’s trying to find a reason why you don’t want the same thing she thinks you should want, instead of seeing you. Don’t blame yourself. She loves you and she does not define you. You haven’t failed her. Don’t cry. please. Don’t cry. You deserve to be happy. (now I’m crying, shit.)
Ugh, why do people act like there is no other purpose in life other than having kids? Some people don’t want kids (even if they do want sex) and she’s also leaping to conclusions here, Anwar never said he didn’t want kids just that he didn’t want sex. Adoption is possible you know.
I didn’t come out on purpose I got outed which was pretty awful, but on the other hand I had come out as Atheist at 14 and my dad the priest was sort of of the opinion I was already going to hell so whatever, I was only doing it to embarrass him (because he was also a narcissist and everything revolved around him).
Even biological children are possible without sex.
Quick trip to the lab, contract with a combination egg-donor/surrogate mother, and a bit later, you have a kid or two.
Although oddly (not that this would apply to a male) I lost what littke drive I had as I aged into my less fertile years. By my late 30si couldn’t even respond to my partner anymore.
But they have to be *your* biological kids, because adopted children don’t have your clearly wonderful DNA. *sarcasm*
Not aimed at you specifically, but paraphrasing what I’ve been hearing from my mom since I’ve been old enough to consider potential mates and get started on making her grandchildren. It’s not a mentality I understand, since I don’t see what’s so great about my genes that HAVE to be passed on.
Funny, passing on genes seemed to me like a good idea to adopt. I mean, for me personally. My family is basically a nightmare factory of mental health issues, addiction, diabetes, stroke, heart issues, cancer… And yet my mother seems to think it’s a good gene pool to go for a splash about in. What is with this obsession that your children must have your genetics, even when your genetics are probably going to make their lives so much harder and/or shorter?!
It’s a primal instinct. Reproduction occurs, the species survives. And evolution occurs when good genes outcompete the bad genes. Even though it’s now completely unnecessary for humans, some people are just a lot closer to these drives than others.
Don’t think it’s even so much the kids, but what it represents. Like, a cis hetero couple, if they decided to have kids, bam, done, and if they have any problems there’s support there for them; if any non-cis/non-hetero couple decided to have kids, they immediately have to fight for the right to get the same support. It’s representative of so many things that us cis/hetero folk have the privilege to just expect to be handed to us, but others don’t (kids is one thing, but it’s a long list including marriage or peer respect of a relationship or even simply not having to fear physical violence because of who we love).
I know if my daughter turns around and tells me she’s gay or trans or asexual or whatever, I’ll love and support her just the same, but I know her life will be much easier if she’s not so I would also have that dread of what she’d have to face and what doors may be, if not closed, at least wedged pretty stiffly against her.
> Got any stories like that?
yes. I think its mostly the normal crap that aces hear though (i.e. are you sure you weren’t traumatized by someone hurting you in a sexual way?), as opposed to specific events in my life. On the up shot, she did drop it once I told her “no, I’m sure I wasn’t.”.
I did get a lot of “you’ll never fall in love” and “life is only worth living with someone else in a monogamous, child rearing relationship” and “don’t you dare waste someone else’s fertile years”. Which is a bit of what Anwar’s mum is doing here too, in addition to the self-blame for a not-bad thing that she is doing.
I’m in a weird in-between state on how well coming out was for me. My family was mostly accepting of stuff like that (aside from the weird comments or questions at the very start, like “you’re just TRYING to be more different than everyone else”, and … very negative comments about groups they suspected I might be in but hadn’t come out as). Once I came out as something, they’d drop it around me. But, later, sometimes years later, mom would try to use it as leverage in conversations with other people to pit them against me, at least that’s what I hear from other people.
Which is … funky? Thing is, I bet they don’t even remember those comments now. A normal comment or off color joke to one person is a scar on the mind of another.
My mother, after asking me to get checked for prostate cancer (because apparently asexuality is a symptom of prostate cancer), broke down and cried, asking me if not wanting children was revenge against her for… I’m not really sure ಠ_à²
my mom is my best friend (toxic, according to psychology) and i told her a while ago i was bi, and she accepts my statements but says that i’m confused because i’ve never been in a real relationship. it hurts to be so dismissed like that. i push myself away from male attraction because i’m always attracted to men like my dad and he’s verbally abused me my whole life, so my heart screams they’ll be like him. my varsity dept assumed i was gay from a deep female friendship and i only went and corrected them, and was accepted. but now i’m back home amongst heteros and i’m scared for my sanity to even talk about it. my dad has not even been told about my conversion to wicca or my second tattoo, let alone my bi-ness. he would… flip. my grandparents think i just haven’t found the right man yet and keep joking about setting me up; you kan see the desperation in their eyes for me to get married and have kids before i turn 30 in 2 and a bit years. my mom too. families hurt you with their biased love. anyway, that’s all.
Grasping at straws VERY clear indeed :(
Great contrast with the previous scene with JD – Mamma Anwar, to her credit, is actually trying to process this as legit information.
Calling it “a phase” is more like denial than an actual reaction.
Still… obviously… sucks to be Anwar right now.
Here’s hoping once she’s gotten past the “WHY?!” she might actually process the “What”.
My mom is trying to convince me I’ll want kids one day.
No mom. I don’t want kids. Other people are having enough children for my lack of. Just saying.
My mom is exactly the same, Ainsley. She hasn’t given up yet, and considers people who don’t want children ‘selfish’ for not wanting to experience the joys of having kids. Considering how much resentment she had for looking after me and my brother, I can’t help but wonder sometimes it’s because she wants us to be as miserable as she was.
That whole accusing someone for being selfish for not wanting/having children thing seems bizarre to me. I really don’t understand it. Isn’t having children a form of selfishness? To that extent any personal life decision is inherently selfish.
My former girlfriend’s mother tried pulling that crap on me, and I countered with the fact that she obviously doesn’t know me or all the community volunteering I’ve done. Shut her down hard.
Does anyone else feel like this is mostly JD’s fault? Anwar had no control over when he come out or anything because of him/her (sorry, can’t remember correct pronoun).
JD’s pronouns are “they” iirc, and yeah, I’d be willing to firmly lay the blame at JD’s feet.
Yeah, JD’s pronoun is “they”. And also for future reference if you’re not sure what pronoun someone uses, it’s better to fall back on “they”.
Yeah, JD definitely has a big chunk of the blame. Anwar’s mum has a bigger chunk though, and wider heterosexist society arguably has a bigger chunk than her
It’s not JD’s fault that Momwar made a scene in public, making herself look like a jackass. It’s not JD’s fault Momwar is acting like a bigot. JD’s actions came from a good place. Yes, they could have consulted Anwar over this, but Momwar’s ignorant and emotional reaction is not within their control.
JD was trying to do something nice for Anwar and Momwar is the one who decided to toss a fit, JD ever tried their best to cut her off at the pass and run interference for the boys.
When I came out to my mum as trans, she spent the first year coming up with reasons why it couldn’t possibly be true – including “it’s cos you’re dad’s been such a shit recently and you don’t wanna be associated with him, isn’t it?” and the always lovely “you’ve never shown any interest in men!” (actually I’m bi, but her saying that put me off coming out to her as bi for several more months cos I didn’t wanna validate that heterosexism) – citing the trans suicide statistics to try and convince me “not to be trans” (took her awhile to understand that I didn’t choose to be trans and I was trans whether I transitioned or not, and not transitioning just makes suicide that bit more likely), and assuming she was “to blame”. Those things lasted about a year.
When I came out to her as bi, about 9 months after I came out to her as trans, 7 or 8 after I started social transition and about 5 months after I came out to everyone else as bi, I think her response was something like “why didn’t you tell me 9 months ago!?”
I was talking to my grandma on the phone a few months after my aunt accidentally outed her daughter. My grandma said, “I don’t understand why your cousin is gay, she was raised in such a healthy environment!” I explained that it doesn’t have anything to do with how you’re raised, and that it’s genetic. She emphatically exclaimed, “Well her aunt isn’t gay!” -_- old people.
When I came out about 10 years ago to my dad as bi, he told me to never ever tell my mom, because it would kill her. He also tried to tell me that it’s natural to have homosexual feelings, it’s not okay to be bi and that you have to be one or the other. I’ve been pretty much completely closeted to my family except my sister and cousin because of this.
Last year was that cousin’s lesbian wedding, which I traveled back to my home state for. A month or so later, I was talking to my mom on the phone and decided to come out. There was mostly silence on the other end. I explained how a person who they assumed was just a friend was someone I was dating briefly, and other than that I haven’t actually had any experience dating outside heterosexual relationships. She just sort of ignored it.
And then a few months later I was talking to her again, something came up and I mentioned my bi-ness, and she didn’t know what I was talking about. She had completely forgotten that I had come out to her, so I had to go through the experience again. Went down essentially the same way the second time.
I don’t know if she’s forgotten again, but she’s finally doing rehab for alcoholism. I would talk with her and then the next time I called, she would talk about the exact same stuff we talked about last time. I’m going to give her time to work through this, and then I’ll put some feelers out to see if she retained the whole bit about me being bi. :|
My mom did exactly the same! My psych says its because they just choose not to process it, they shelve the information to avoid dealing with what it implies, and therefore every single time is a surprise, because they’ve been in denial about it. Such deep denial that they actually forget. The only way is to keep reminding them, because that makes them have to actually face the fact that their kid is bisexual. No more denial, no more “its a phase”, and its hard but i guess the outcome is worth it?
Obviously its not for everybody, when you dont have safe environment sometimes coming out can be a crazy thing to do.
Yes! My mum had the same reaction when I told her I was agender. She pretty much accepted it when I told her I was bi (I was still searching myself at the time), it even helped her with her own coming out as a closet lesbian some five years later — but then when I told her I was ace she was first angry (“But it’s a disease symptom!”), then in denial (“It’s just a phase”), then she cried (“I just want you to be happy”, meaning without sex I couldn’t be? o.O), and she completely overlooked it when in the same conversation I told her tentatively I didn’t feel like a girl (“What? No way, you’ll always be my little girl”).
It went ’round for about a year, me dropping little hints here and there, she completely ignoring me, until this summer as she was helping me move out and told me to get out of the way of the boys moving a drawer “because I was a girl”. Then I exploded.
I think now is okay — I think she still has a hard time about it, but at least she stopped ignoring the “problem” as if it was a phase. Mostly though she’s cool with me, things aren’t awkward as they were when I first told her. I’m pretty confident she’ll be okay with it in some time. ^^
What I’m less okay with is a friend’s reaction when I outed my ace self — said they didn’t think I was and I only thought that because I was abused when I was a kid. SO not their call to make and very hurtful — even my mum didn’t sink so low as to use that argument against me and trust it, I heard everything else from her.
Suppose I’m fairly lucky in the sense my mum has always been super accepting to the fact I’m asexual and to my transness. Struggled to understand at first but really, really tried… and now she’s awesome about it. I know that’s fairly rare, pages like this remind me of that.
At least Anwar’s mum is accepting it though, my stepdad completely denies everything – still calls me ‘she’ and by my birthname and ugh. -.-‘ At least in Anwar’s case his mum is accepting it as real and will potentially come round eventually?
My grandmother has been known to blame my sister dating women on her ‘being determined not to end up in the same situation as [our] mother was’, and ever since her having had two boyfriends since last year, she’s said that she’s ‘no longer gay’. This whole thing has made coming out as bi not a very attractive option; she’s certain that the ‘gayness’ I’ve exhibited is just a phase. She admits that her attitudes come from her upbringing, and that while she’s supporting of over people being LGB, her stance is very much ‘NIMBY’.
There’s no wonder I’m more or less refusing to come out as trans.
I got to hear my mom blame everyone under the sun (including how she’d been absent while I was growing up, that I was closer to my dad, that I’d spent most of my schooling in a convent-run, all-girls school, and me for ‘being confused’) when I tried coming out to her as a transman. She’s never dropped it since then, and periodically checks in with me to inquire if I’m ‘still confused about myself’ and if I still have ‘those thoughts’. The experience was so traumatic to my then 20 year old self that I’ve dodged and avoided the topic with all the desperation of a cornered rat since then.
I’m now going on 28, and though I have come a long way towards accepting who I am with a lot of professional help I sought out myself, and I still can’t bring up the topic whenever she asks how I’m doing and if I’m in a better headspace. To my parents and relatives, I’m just ‘that tomboy who never grew out of it’. And it’s staying that way until the need to fix it hinges on my survival as opposed to opposite it. (That doesn’t mean I don’t hate myself from time to time.)
As I have shown zero interest in the opposite sex and the prospect of marrying and having her grandchildren since high school (no shit–hard to think about such things when one is at odds with what’s in one’s pants), she’s done The Blame Game with that, too, where she points fingers at herself and my father for ‘setting a bad example’ and ‘scaring me out of having kids’. I won’t doubt that a LITTLE of that feels true sometimes.
Oh, god, do I hear you on the “her grandchildren” statement. When I was in middle school my mom tried to pull the “how dare you be so selfish as to not want to give me grandchildren!” shortly followed by “the only reason I became a mother was to have grandchildren, this is why you were born”.
I know you probably know it, but, I’m gonna say it anyways:
Its selfish to the level of disgusting for someone to demand that you tailor YOUR entire life and use of YOUR body to their wishes. Having children is a major, life changing, body taxing commitment.
Also, transman empathy on being treated like you’re just confused because you have never looked down in while in the shower or something. Its so… degrading to be treated like you’re an idiot because you’re too stupid to figure out how to make your reality match their false expectations.
I do know, but the words from someone else are always greatly appreciated. :) *shares internet beverage of choice for Unreasonable Motherly Expectations*
It’s still hard to talk about my gender and sexual identity with perfect strangers (even on the internets) after all this time. I’ve surrounded myself with IRL people who understand and are accepting, but I’m just so used to keeping it an unspoken ‘dirty secret’ I find myself avoiding the topic entirely out of habit. One day I’ll get there!
anywhere I imagine that my family might find me (which is most of the internet; I’m very imaginative) I switch from my name to something else when I need to discuss my trans-ness. Total strangers are fine… its just the risk of … yeah. Giving more ammunition to my blood relatives to speak crap about be behind my back. Tthere is nothing wrong with being trans. There is something wrong with outing someone behind there back about something that society, well, hurts people over.
Yeah, the first time I came out to my mother as trans she didn’t believe me and acted like it never happened. When she found out I was on HRT, she kept coming up with more and more things to blame for it. Absent father, evil internet people, confusion, homosexuality… she currently believes that I want to be a girl because I think I’m ugly as a guy and think transitioning will make me prettier.
She desperately wants grandchildren, so she thinks that harassing me about being trans* every few weeks will make me cisgender. I’m so glad she doesn’t know I’m sterile at this point. I can’t wait to tell her I’m non-binary and asexual as well.
I had the “interesting” experience of being outed as a lesbian and an atheist to my parents at the same time, while I was still living at home. Of course, they believed (and still believe) that there is a connection, and that I either became an atheist so I could be sinful or that I “became gay” once I “lost my morals”. My mom cried about how she was responsible because she sometimes yelled at my dad, my dad distanced himself from me, and they both took me to a series of counselors, including one “ex gay” dude. I found books about “how to prevent homosexuality in your child” around the house. They started looking over my shoulder every time I went on the internet. Luckily I was able to move out within a year, and I eventually moved 2500 km away and stopped talking to them about anything more deep than the weather. More recently, I’ve started realizing that my gender identity is more nebulous than I thought, but that’s something I probably will never mention to them. It’s not worth the hassle.
I came out in stages first as Bi then as Gay. (I’m sorry for perpetuating the lie that Bi doesn’t exist!) My mom was supportive of me but said, “If you can like males, then like males.”
I didn’t understand and was hurt, still am a bit. But then I learned about all the stuff that went on before my time. When I learned about the gay-murders that were public news and everything else I was stunned. It put things in a new light. It didn’t lessen the ouch but it made it easier to forgive.
When I told my oldest sister (who is a mother figure and bi) that I was aro ace, she still managed to do this despite her and her husband being serious enough about not having children as to have operations to make it impossible and to not regret it after over ten years. Also she told my other sister, who is straight and very supportive none-the-less.
“I just feel so bad that you’ll never going to get to love someone like I love [my husband]” (Well it’s not going to happen and I’m happy the way I am, so).
Additionally:
“You’re just a late bloomer, I was like that too,” (despite her telling me stories about boyfriends she had when younger than I was when I told her).
“You don’t know that! Things can change!” (If I ever make a reference to never getting married).
“We don’t need labels!” (I choose to use them so, yeah, you may not, but you need to respect mine.)
It just frustrates me so much. She’s so condescending and it’s really upsetting.
My dad just thinks I’m gay, I think, or lives in a complete state of “my child is straight” denial. But when acknowledging it he chooses to focus on the “doesn’t like boys” far above the “doesn’t like anyone else either” section.
I’m bisexual/demisexual in a relationship with a lesbian; we’ve been together for about five years (if not more, we were friends before and have been for like 13 years). I came out to my mother about our relationship about two years ago because I felt the pressures of her wanting me to get married and have children, since I’ve hit my thirties. She took it well, actually really well (I made myself so ill worrying about it) – but my mother is surprisingly progressive and welcomed it. She did admit that she was a little disappointed because it would potentially ruin any chance of her being a grandmother, but at the time, she dropped it. If anything she seemed to have more of a problem with the fact that my girlfriend lives in another country but that’s not the issue here. The only other thing that I could think of that she asked about when I came out was “but what about *name of man here* that you brought with you to thanksgiving in college?” – only to find out that that friend of mine was gay and didn’t have anywhere to go for the holidays so I invited him to our gathering since we’ve always been cool about that sort of thing. I had to explain that I do like men and women, but she’s really kind of secretly hoping that I’ll spring it on her that I really want to date men again for the potential of me being ‘normal’ or at least having that option of possibly being able to have babies.
My mother hasn’t gone to any other family member other than my stepfather, who hasn’t said thing one to me about my relationship with my girlfriend, but both of them keep it to themselves, which is something that I am glad for, as the rest of my family is not as cool as they are with such things.
The actual problem is the constant reminder whenever I see my mother (which isn’t often) that she wants to be a grandmother. I am the only child and it’s usually kind of slipped in there of touching on if I want kids or not, would we adopt, etc. I have no desire to have children and my girlfriend likes being an auntie to her sister’s child, but not having one of her own. My mother has actually had to ask me if we would ever consider adopting, to just tell it to her straight if she ever has a chance to be a grandma. I told her that it was a good thing that she loves animals since my girlfriend and I are huge animal lovers and will probably have dogs rather than children.
I know she’s disappointed but this is the same woman that when I was twenty, in college, with no real dating history at all – sat with her mother at the table when we were all drinking coffee and they turned to me and said “you have to make me a grandmother/great grandmother.” And I proceeded to tell them, how dare you, because it’s my body and I don’t have to do anything “for” them. It turned into a rant at them for I was the only granddaughter my grandmother had and I pointed out that one of the many boy cousins I had had a better chance at knocking up a girl before I would ever have a child myself (which did happen) – but for them to just assume that my duty as a woman was to procreate for their amusement is disrespectful and I have never forgiven them for it. Especially since they taught me better than that.
I am extremely lucky for my mother to be accepting of me and my girlfriend, but constantly being asked about if we ‘changed our minds’ or ‘you would be a great mom’ is not going to make me any less against having kids. I don’t want them and it’s not her decision. It’s mine. I don’t tell anyone else if they should have children or not – that’s their lives, not mine.
My dad had tapped a phone line in our house when I was 18. Because he’s paranoid. But that’s neither here nor there. He had the unfortunate experience of overhearing everything my then Matter described wanting to do to me on the phone. This led to a family discussion in the basement where my mother begged me to be dominant and my dad told me that sometimes he’d like to bury my mom in a box in the backyard.
The turning point of that discussion came when my mother asked me a Quentin.
Mom: What’s the difference between me hitting you and him hitting you?
Me: I ask him to.
Mom: -silence-
The bisexual thing was something both my parents knew about for ages. They knew before I did. I didn’t exactly come out to them directly. My mother angrily threw it in my face one day. Tried to shame me with the information. I didn’t back down.
My paganism has been the hardest thing quite frankly. They don’t think I believe in any god simply because I don’t believe in theirs. I just smile and nod because neither of them are going to get it despite their own occult experiences. Which they’ve freely admitted to. More proof of their god, etc.
Good for you for standing up and advocating for yourself!
(^_^)-b
Wow that’s fucked up. Why did your mom hit you?
I have a not coming out story. When I was in community college I dated 2 people. A girl and then a boy. Prior to this I had not dated at all. Unfortunately, my parents found out about me dating the boy and so when I broke up with him I got the awkward questions game. I did my best to avoid them, but sadly my mom finally cornered me and asked how the break up made me feel. I answered honestly, that I missed my ex-girlfriend more. The thing is, the only thing I realized with breaking up with the guy was that if I don’t really know someone, I don’t want to fucking date them.
But so I told my mom. I think maybe a day or so later I was at lunch with my dad. We had lunch pretty regularly, it was when we bonded and I honestly loved these lunches, it was just me and my dad chatting. On this particular day i don’t even remember how it came up or how we got on the topic. I think my dad just brought it up, but the only thing I can remember him saying to me is “It’s okay if it’s other people’s kids, but not when it’s yours.”
To make that last statement a little clearer, my dad’s stepsister is a lesbian and his cousin and her partner of 15 years are lesbians. So it’s okay for them to be gay but it’s not okay for me. The thing is! The thing is that I don’t know if I only like girls. I just knew that I liked my exgirlfriend and that I had previously been interested in other girls and boys. This guy I broke up with? I didn’t really have an interest in. That’s why I broke up with him.
It’s been 6 years and I haven’t dated anyone, because I can’t stand the idea of lying to make my parents more comfortable. I hate that they think they actually have a say in who I date. I’m 26 years old and I’ve been seriously interested in 1 other person since then. If you asked me my sexuality, I’d tell you “fuck if I know” because I fucking don’t know.
And that’s my not coming out story.
Owch. Feeling you on the ‘it’s okay if it’s other people but not you’; that about sums up my parent’s tolerance of LGBT. They know I have gay friends and even that I’ve been to the wedding of a happy (and younger than me) couple and haven’t thrown a shitstorm, but as soon as the talk turns to me it’s ‘Oh HELLLLS no not MY precious child!’ (I’m almost 28, if that puts it in perspective.)
My sexuality is ‘fuck if I know’ for I’ve only been with one person and before that, disinterested with all humanity. And I suppose that’s a start in the right direction of discovery, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say how uncertain and uncomfortable that ‘fuck if I know’ place feels.
… Nope, my parents were very undramatic about it. They know I’m ace and laugh about it, they know I’m trans and try hard to get the pronouns right (they slip up a lot but there was none of the ‘are you SURE’ or ‘WHAT DID WE DO WRONG’ – in fact my Mum just basically went ‘yep, called it’)… Ironically the one thing I never came out about as was panromantic, just because I don’t want my family nosing into my dating life. But Mum still makes a regular point of acknowledging one of us could end up being non-straight, and if I mentioned that, I genuinely don’t think she’d bat an eyelid. This is the same mother who, when I said I wanted to dye my hair, started suggesting colours like aqua blue. I don’t know if I’ve ever met another person whose family is as chill about this sort of stuff. (To be fair my Dad is a little more reticient, but in the end he just follows Mum’s example, and I don’t think he thinks BADLY of me – so much as that he secretly thinks of it as a bit of a phase. But he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, and lets me make the changes I want in my life.)
Your parents sound (excuse my French) fucking awesome. Can I rent them for a day? <_<;
When I came out to my grandmother she pretty much said it was because I was a lonely child and that studies “prove” that people with sad childhoods tend to go down that route…OH! And she it was a choice and eventually I would see the light.
I’m not out of the closet, but I’m fully expecting things to break down once I am. My parents REALLY wants grandkids, and I’m their best bet (with one brother being mentally disabled and my other brother wanting to be a priest), so as a teen they kept trying to hook me up. It’s REALLY awkward when your mom is encouraging you to have sex ._.
It’s weird, but I feel kinda lucky that I started having panic attacks, ’cause it’s made my parents seriously dial down their expectations. For the past while, they seem happy if I”m able to just eat dinner with them.
When I came out as trans, my mom said she had like it better if I told her I was gay. Well, I told her I was kind of gay too lol. My older sister thanked me after that, cuz her own coming-out (as being in a relationship with a woman) was waaaaay easier lol.
But I think the “it’s my fault / what did I do wrong?!” phase was pretty short for my parents. And they took it pretty well afterall, thanks to their subscription on a forum for parents and all.
Oh and my mum is religious, now she go to the gaypride and all, and “work” in a “gay’s parents” association. Things aren’t always bad :)
My parents kept having pointed conversations with me about how if I was gay it wouldn’t change how they felt about me. When I came out as queer it was much more “Oh thank god I don’t have to pretend I don’t know anymore” same reaction from all my friends. Exactly no one was suprised.
Alright, here’s my story:
I have dated both men and women (one of them started out as male but confessed to being trans 1 year into our 7-year relationship, so to me she’s as much of a female as some of the other women I dated).
My parents are very open-minded.. I was still nervous to tell my mom when I was dating a girl, but she just hugged me and told me that whatever made me happy made her happy as well. Neither of my parents freaked when my (now ex-) MtF partner came out to them, instead they worried about how I felt about it and if I could handle that whole change. The rest of my family received a letter about the transition and what to call my partner, and they all wished us the best and started treating her as a woman. My grandparents expressed nothing but love and understanding.. Long story short: there were little issues with my family. Her family is a whole different matter, though. They denied her transsexuality, played the blame-game for a while, but were forced to “accept” it once she started her HRT. My ex wasn’t allowed to see/talk to her little sister anymore after that.
That relationship is long gone and I’ve found new love, a guy this time. Perhaps some people think “See? I knew she’d go back to men eventually!”, but I couldn’t care less. I know who I am and what I want, and it just happened to be a guy this time. If it turns out he’s not the right one for me, perhaps I’ll run into a lovely lady again. Or something in between. I’m a happy pansexual with an awesome family who accept me and love me, whoever I choose to be with.
I’m demisexual female, currently in a relationship with a man, and I’ve come out twice (as bi, since I doubt he’d know what demisexuality is) to my dad and he keeps saying “it’s just a phase” and “but what about [boyfriend]???” It’s upsetting because he’s usually pretty alright about the whole LGBT+ thing, but when it comes to me he shoves his fingers in his ears and goes “LA LA LA HETEROSEXUAL.”
I don’t even want to try coming out to my mom. She’s understanding but super Christian and I’m a little afraid of the whole “it’s okay when it’s other children” thing going on.
I’ve told my mother I was asexual twice now, the first time she joked and said that she was asexual as well. The second time, I forget how she responded, I think she denied it though. Now, she is constantly say this guy or that guy is hot, while I’m trying not go gage. (it’s not even just on TV, we’ll be in the car, and she’ll be “oh he was hot”). I would swear it’s a reaction to my laughter when she and my grandmother thought I was dating someone (’cause I hung out with a guy at his place twice). I’m an Aro Ace. Dating ain’t going to happen for me. Unless a miracle comes along.
I was really lucky. Outside of my mum being convinced it was only a phase. I couldn’t really figure out *what* I was for a really long time, and I didn’t help myself long-term by calling myself bisexual. This is not meant as insulting to anyone who identifies as such. Just that in my case, it turned out to mean a lot of re-explaining when I became more self-aware.
When I finally figured out that I was actually asexual with a preference overall for the company of women, I had to explain again. Weirdly enough, coming out to my mum was the easiest part. My brother is totally cool with it too. The rest of my family, on the other hand, still thinks I’m bi, despite all evidence to the contrary. They refuse to accept the fact that I have no desire at all, and are royally confused by my complete lack of boyfriend.
That said, my mum will often point out guys as being hot and I’ll say “meh”. She always gets kind of flustered by that, and says stuff along the lines of “Oh can’t you just pretend?!”
My late great-uncle was gay, but interestingly both my cousin and I are Queer. No one else is in my immediate family, as far as I know.
My parents are pretty chill about it. Sadly, my cousin never came out to my aunt; my aunt passed away before she felt comfortable talking about it.
It was different for both my parents. My mother worried but is accepting these days, more just uncomfortable talking about it because we live in rural Kentucky and she’s afraid (not unjustifiably so) that I could wind up the victim of a hate crime.
My father (who I haven’t seen in over a decade for reasons that will soon become obvious) blamed her, blamed me, blamed the media, blamed a lack of religion in my upbringing (despite him being the one who wanted to go to Flea Markets on Sunday rather than Church… which is one of the few things I’m ironically grateful to him for), blamed video games, blamed Ronald McDonald, and kept on blaming everything until he simply went into denial about me being anything at all.
… ye gods I hate him so much.
I broke down and told my mom I was ace when I couldn’t stand her getting hopeful and fantasizing about every boy I talked to anymore. First she asked if I was abused, then she wanted me to go to the doctor and get my hormones checked, and then she did what she does best and Googled asexuality. Apparently the Internet is a more credible source for my feelings than I, but whatever, she stopped thinking I was I’ll so I don’t really care. But she still throws in little comments about grandchildren and how I’ll never feel what a romantic/sexual relationship is like. Well damn it I would feel less sad about that if you stopped frigging talking about it all the time. My dad was surprisingly chill about the whole thing despite being an old school catholic. I think having to deal with my best friend who came out as gay and then trans softened him up. But I don’t think either of them expected me to start dating girls so they kind of had to get over that. Which they did.
But oh my god I wish mother would stop talking about babies, even if I was straight I would adopt, childbirth looks painful
It’s more that my parents were blamed by everyone else. “Your daughter wants to be a boy because you weren’t there enough for her!”
Overbearing father, absent mother – nothing they claimed had any basis in reality. Half of my family wants to cure me. The other half is estranged and will never know. My parents are cool, though.
The story I have isn’t mine, but I have permission from my younger sister/brother (will explain that, be patient) to share. It’s still ongoing and I have no idea where it’ll go.
Most of the questionable reaction here is from our mother. Ever meet one of those people who yells but says they don’t, they’re just talking loudly? That’s mom. Also very aggressive, somewhat A-type personality. Doesn’t mix well with my younger sibling, who has similar moments; the aggressive/A-type thing, not the loud bit.
Anyway. My younger sibling had (at least a few months ago, I forget the exact time frame) confirmed she was in a relationship with a woman. Mom was chill about it and dad just kind of shrugged and said “ok;” both of them are in the “whatever makes you happy” camp, in that respect. I’m not 100% sure where grandma (mom’s mom) stood/stands on it, as I only have a phone conversation to go on. It came up in a normal “hey, I’m not dead, just busy with school” conversation and the tone of voice she used when she said “So, your sister said she’s in a relationship with a woman,” made my ears perk up; she sounded sour/annoyed about it (that tone is very distinct if you know her). I used what my friends jokingly term the “growly big sister voice” and replied with “Yes. Is that a problem?” That woman had never verbally back-pedaled so fast in my entire life; she was quick with a “no no no, of course not!” and I didn’t poke her further about it. I figured one reprimand would at least make her think twice about saying anything else negative. After that she simply seemed to ignore it and I never heard about any odd/mean/rude attitude toward my sister in any of her occasional calls.
I recently got a text from said younger sibling asking how I would feel if she said she felt more comfortable as a he. Being me, I just said that meant I had a little brother instead of a little sister, and that didn’t change the fact I love the little brat. So, yes, I was chill about it and I think monkey-nuggets* appreciates it.
More recently I had a conversation with grandma (another “hi, not dead!”) and she consistently referred to my younger sibling by her birth name and using female pronouns. This confused me, as my sibling had gone as far as changing the name on her Facebook account to a male one. I called mom to ask what was going on, and THAT turned into an odd/irksome conversation.
Apparently my sibling has not asked that anyone use different pronouns or call her by her chosen male name. I’m a bit confused, but after thinking about it I just shrugged and sat back; it is, after all, her choice to make requests as to her preferred form of address. What irked me was my mother’s theorizing that it was “just a phase” and worrying that my sibling was “just following her friends’ lead;” even she admits that my sibling is NOT a follower, but somehow she thinks this could be an example of peer pressure/following the crowd. She thinks that little sibling might be doing it because “it’s a socially acceptable thing now and her friends are doing it.” As I said, I was/am very irked about that attitude, but apparently my mom is seriously confused because my sibling has, this year up until she cut all her hair off and started dressing much more masculine, been VERY into getting dolled up and having fun with makeup and wearing pretty clothes. I get the confusion, I really do, because that confuses me too, but I pointed out that doesn’t change the fact that she wants to identify as male now. She continued to argue that she was afraid it was a crowd following thing and pulled the “well she hasn’t really had a chance to experience her sexuality yet!” card. The mental facepalm I had in reply to that could probably be heard from the other end of the dorm hall. I had to explain that gender identity and sexuality/sexual preference are two separate things; if my sibling chose to be male, then that would make him a straight man while as a female she would be a lesbian. It’s just a swap of labels, when I try to examine it. (That is my understanding of it, please correct me if I’m wrong!) Mom said she understood that, but her words didn’t change as the conversation went on. So, no, she probably doesn’t, but she said it as a handwave and a “oh whatever” sort of response.
The conversation pretty much went in circles from there until I mentioned non-binary gender identities and that this could be my sibling trying to find what fits and really feels right; somehow that made my mom feel better? I still don’t understand that. Apparently being somewhere in between would be better than being a boy? My mom confuses me. Sibling isn’t even 18 yet, so I just keep an open mind and go along with whatever the little goofball feels is right for her/him.
The other thing that kept coming up was my mother’s insistence on “only calling people by what they’re first introduced to her as.” So… She was saying that, even if my sibling chose to identify as male and began asking that male pronouns/male names be used, she would continue to call him by her birth name. I told her that was incredibly disrespectful and she insisted it wasn’t. The example she used to try and justify her argument was a family friend: lady’s name is Lucy (or something similar, can’t quite remember) but she was introduced to mom as Suzy so that is forever what mom calls her. I am still mentally cringing at that and tried to explain the WORLD of difference there, but she insisted it was basically the same thing and then said she would always call ANYONE she knew as one gender who transitioned to another by what she originally knew them as. She also said flat out that all “butch” lesbians really want to be men and maybe that’s what my little sibling is going for. I was tempted to see if I could reach through the phone and whack her right upside the head with a clue-by-four, but physics got in the way.
That conversation went round and round in circles, too, until I finally gave up and told her I needed to go do homework. I REALLY want her to understand why she is so WRONG and/or disrespectful about these things, but arguing with that woman is like arguing with a rock. She also admits that the surest way to get her to do something is to tell her not to, so I figured beating a dead horse at that point might cause more harm than good.
So, that is the story of my younger sibling as it stands. Haven’t been able to arrange a long enough conversation to get more detailed explanations from the little goofball, but I wanted to share mom’s reactions/ideas about this stuff.
Mom, basically: “You’re a lesbian? That’s fine, as long as you’re happy.”
But then…: “You’re a girl. You have girl bits. Choice, hormones, whatever, you will always be a girl.”
…my mother really needs a good, long discussion with a clue-by-four.
*nickname, don’t ask, even I don’t know how we came up with it, but it’s nicely gender neutral
Holy cats that got long! Sorry!
Tldr; is pretty much the quotes at the bottom.
Can you say, “it’s a phase!”?
My parents sure could. And did. Repeatedly.
(“I like ladies.” “I’m a guy.” “I still like dudes too.” Hell, even, “I’ve been diagnosed with depression”, and “I’m not atheist like you” got it. Yyyyeah, just not going to tell them my husband and I are poly. JD’s in good company in just giving up.)
My mom just sort of smiled and nodded when I came out to her as bi; it seems “bisexual” is code for “not admitting I’m gay.” She even accused me of being interested in Sarah Lawrence for the high population of lesbians. (No it hadn’t occurred to me, yes it’s co-ed now, yes I tried to explain both of those things, no she didn’t listen.)
She had a much harder time accepting my partner when they were going through a gender crisis (we have since broken up). Multiple instances of the question “But doesn’t he want to be a girl?” came up over the years. Of course I’ve tried to explain that it’s not all black-and-white, and going to college in the 1970’s should have given her some perspective on it, but again, smile and nod.
Aw, Anwar :(. Part eight million.
(For the record, besides her, only a few friends know. I haven’t come out to my dad yet, although he has brought up the possibility of lesbianism to my mom once or twice.)
No one in my family is gay, as far as I know. If that is the case, I’m probably the closest. I don’t identify as gay, not bi… Queer, maybe? I dunno… I’m of the mind that if I find someone who really loves me for me, their gender doesn’t come into play.
Anyway, I know my siblings would be cool. My mom would probably eventually get used to the idea if I date/marry another woman, though back in my early twenties she seemed a little scared that I was possibly dating/having sex with my best girlfriend at the time (she identified as lesbian at the time). This was strange coming from her as we watched a show called “Six Feet Under” where they had a gay character and openly showed him kissing and having sex with his boyfriend. She didn’t seem to mind it. These days when I’ve touched on the subject, it seems more of a “I don’t get it, but to each their own and they should do what they want” sort of mentality.
If my brother came out as gay, she would have blamed some of it on herself; parents divorced when he was three, father kind of wasn’t around, and growing up in a house with three girls….. it would have been that sort of thing.
I’m grateful for my mom; I know that there will be things she just won’t understand, but I know that it wouldn’t cause her to love anyone less and she would want to learn and understand as best she can.
My father? Probably the harder nut to crack… I hesitated telling him I was dating a Chinese man (I’m white), couldn’t imagine what his reaction would be if I was with a woman. His mother would probably disown me.
When I came out as genderqueer, my mom had an argument with me where we were both sobbing by the end of it. First she said my choice to change my name was a “complete and total rejection of everything [she’d] done for me”, and then she proceeded to blame me for not continuing with birth control pills as the reason for my being genderqueer.
THE NAME THING! My mother is convinced that my name change is somehow me rejecting her and my upbringing. I tried really hard to ease her into it – she had eight years between my starting to use it and my putting it on my passport – but when I said I was going to get it legally done she still completely freaked out, asked why the name she gave me wasn’t good enough, etc. She still won’t use my name. When we are in public she doesn’t refer to me by name at all. Introductions to her friends are very awkward.
Solidarity to you.
In hindsight I handled things poorly when I came out. I figured ‘do it hard and fast; like a bandaid’ (I know what you were thinking! You naughty people you)
I brought my then-boyfriend home, introduced him as such and waited for a reaction. It took, as near as I can guess, 30 seconds, for them to unfreeze. My mum was sort-of OK about it, but my step-dad went into meltdown. Ranting about how my ‘choice’ is going to lead me to get AIDS and he wouldn’t wish this on his worst enemy.
It took a long time for me to repair the damage. At first I was the only one trying but after a while we both worked on it.
So there it is kids; my words of wisdom. Best to do it a bit more gradually than that.
Well, one of my late great uncles was gay, and one of my dad’s sisters got married to her wife last year, but both of those situations have uncomfortable background. Uncle Kevin died of AIDS complications before I was born, and my aunt had been dating her current wife for a while starting about two months after divorcing her abusive husband meeting her future wife through church. Some family (like my immediate family) became more accepting, and others dug further into their conservative trenches. With jokes equating gay marriage with pedophiles marrying victims floating around at some family gatherings discussing the news (not realizing the direct line of offense) it’s going to be fun figuring out how/when/who finds out next.
yup, you’ve done it again. I think my mum would be ok that I was trans as long as I found a nice girl and pumped out grand kids. The fact that biological offspring are unlikely is something that affects parents a lot I think.
Oh MAN I relate here so hard. Apparently my dad broke down at the idea of me never having children or getting married and “all the things they’d get to miss out on” (because my life ambitions don’t matter, just what they wanted for me, or that’s how it felt.) So my mother tried to shove me back in the closet I was half out of.
The invalidation and expectations really get to you as an ace, or anyone else in the LGBTQPIA. Equal rights is important, but not feeling broken or like you have to live your life for others and not do what you want is important too and sometimes I think we forget that as a community. It can literally save lives…I know that too well.
I got lucky. My parents are pretty chill so they basically just told me all they wanted was for me to be happy when I came out as asexual. Then dad made a couple bad jokes (“I know you’re an overachiever but I’d still accept you if you were b- or c-sexual”) which I appreciated because that’s his way of showing he loves us. If he hadn’t made jokes I would have been really worried. And apparently he asked my mom later if it was okay. I think the best part about my parents is that they don’t have to understand my orientation to still accept and love me. They know there’s more to me than my sexuality. They just genuinely want me to be happy.
…I’m not sure they’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t want kids yet though. :/
I live in midwestern america/ the south. It’s midwestern in name only bc everyone is racist and intolerant and red neck bible belt garbo. I’m 21 and I’m still not out to anyone in my family except my younger brother. Not ace, let alone panromantic. I tried coming out to my mom and she laughed at me, since then I haven’t mentioned it. My dad is another front. He’s the kind of person who things gay people deserve to be tied behind cars and dragged to death (literally told me that while I was shaking in my boots and he was oblivious) he can’t even imagine that any of his kids can be gay.