Shades Of A 112
Tch is my sound effect for frantic typing- sound effects are difficult D:
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Aughck.
I’m starting a dislike for Anwar actually…
I got there about five pages back…
My sound effect for frantic typing is “tapity tapita”.
yeah– dude is so obsessed with his shortcoming, he can’t actually see people as people.
YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT SEX. THAT IS THE TRUTH, DONT LIE. WHY WOULD YOU CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. END OF DISCUSSION.
geez dudee
It’s like, does that mean you thought your whole relationship was only about sex this whole time? even when you were being friends?
nice dude. real nice.
No. It doesn’t mean that. He fell in love with a competitive, feisty, interesting, different, not to mention beautiful girl. The problem was their comparability, and the fact that it was strong in all aspects except sexual expression. He knows objectively that men are “supposed to” have a higher sex drive than women, and the fact that his girlfriend is such a sexual person must make him feel like there is something seriously wrong with him. Everyone has that breaking point. Can you imagine your girlfriend buying herself a pair of earrings for your birthday and using your money to pay for half? Though unintentionally, this is what happened. I understand Anwar’s harsh reaction. He was ready to cry when she left. He was upset and angry that one, his relationship didn’t work out and two, that he was a freak.
Well said.
thanks for saying this
people are being really hard on anwar but JD hasn’t done any better at communicating and it seem pretty obvious on this page that he’s trying to pretend like he doesn’t care /because/ he’s actually really upset.
Heh, Anwar is kinda messed up stereotype of males. Always thinking about sex.
I disagree, he’s not really a male stereotype, he’s somebody who’s confused by his asexuality and envy(?) of “other people who do like sex”. As such he places so much importance on his shortcomings in a relationship(s) that he fails to see the possibility that other people would ever want anything else.
I get why you referred to him as a stereotypical male (and if this was a joke and I misinterpreted it sorry), but he’s actually kind of the opposite in a lot of ways. :P
Yeah, it was a joke ;)
Everybody’s analyzing him inside out, but to me he’s just a whiny wimp. Even worse; a teenage whiny wimp. But it’s fun to see a dislikeable main character for once. I don’t feel like rooting for him, but at least there’s Chris. Sorry if I sound anti-asexual. :(
I am looking forward to seeing how Anwar develops. Because, yes, at the moment he seems like he can only focus on his flaws. But I have been reading Tab’s comics long enough to assume there is going to be a fair bit of personality growth go on here. :)
considering we’ve seen an anwar… what, three? -assuming this is his first year of uni?- years on from this point of the comic and he’s barely improved, i’m sure the wait for any meaningful development is gonna be slow and agonizing. i started out really liking anwar, but he’s proven to be so childish and petty that it’s difficult to continue to.
It’s entirely possible he hasn’t improved because no one has called him on it, before, or that he thinks that anyone telling him he’s not weird for not caring for sex is only saying it to make him feel better.
I’ve been in Anwar’s shoes. I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me because I didn’t like sex nearly as much as my then boyfriend did. My opinion of sex wasn’t even in the same solar system as his. I had sex with him because I felt like I had to, to keep him happy, and finally had to realize that there were aspects of the relationship I couldn’t deal with, any more.
My breaking up with him actually went a lot like Anwar and JD’s, though I never told him that I didn’t like sex. To this day I regret what I did, because I could have explained my position better, and I didn’t/couldn’t. Our friendship died because of it, and I’m to blame.
Yeah. Anwar isn’t doing this well at all, but I don’t/can’t blame him. When you’re not sure where you stand, or think there’s something wrong with you, nothing anyone says can change your self-loathing until you’re ready to go through with it. I like Anwar and Chris together,band I’m praying Anwar’s ready to accept himself, otherwise War and Chris will never work.
Anwar’s being awful, I totally agree with the comments above. JD doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment and I hope Anwar spent several years apologizing. But I think Anwar’s worked himself into a place where he’s sort of obsessed with his own inadequacy (or at least what he sees as his inadequacy). He’s thinking about sex all the time and presuming all his relationships are about sex and nothing else because sex is so unfathomable to him. Anwar’s worked himself up to a point where he thinks he’s incapable of being loved or being in any sort of loving relationship. Yes, it’s making him act horribly to the people who try and get close to him, and he needs to recognise that, but isn’t it also a position worthy of a bit of pity?
All this hating on Anwar… He’s human. He says and does things he regrets. He’s hurting (and yes, maybe he’s being a bit egocentric but you know what? He’s trying to figure out what’s possibly “wrong” with him that he doensn’t like sex and his anger is actually more directed at himself) He’s just about to realise what a dick he was and he’s going to regret it.
He’s human.
And humans can be pretty unlikeable at times. (Most of the time, tbh.)
Well, they are friends now, so I hope after this Answer runs his ass over to JD, gets down on his hands and knees and begs for forgivness.
yeah, i’m pretty over Anwar right now, but I’m looking forward to seeing him grow up. after all, we were all pretty embarassing when we were 18
Unfortunately, present Anwar is still being the self-centered, self-pitying guy as he was in the past IMO. At what point does apologizing for the same bad behavior, over and over, stop getting him off the hook?
Ummmm… I’m totally not getting this reaction y’all have. JD’s first and “biggest” present to him was theirself, but only as a sexual object. And I don’t need to blame them for that to recognize that it’s a shitty gift for him. And as far as we’ve seen in this comic, they have really really approached this relationship as a super sexual thing. Like once they were not longer “just” friends it seems like everything we’ve seen as readers has very much been about JD’s expectations of sex.
So, a) I think it’s entirely possible that Anwar truly does believe that it was a porno, since that would be a pretty “good” ancillary gift if one were “giving” oneself sexually, like “here, do whatever you want and here’s something to get us in the mood,” and if I were ‘war who just got walked out on for having the temerity to say “yeah I don’t like sex,” then I might not be in a mood to open the gift that quite possibly IS a porno.
b) he might have no wanted to open it because it represents something painful that happened, JD walked out without giving him a chance to respond, they just heard “I don’t like sex” and jumped to conclusions… The final panel then showed that ‘war was quite hurt, so again, not wanting to open the present? reasonable so far as I’m concerned.
So yeah, I guess I’m not getting this ‘war hate from this page. He has a lot of stupid ass shit he does, but not opening a gift from someone who doesn’t see him clearly and walked out on him? Doesn’t strike me as one of those things.
I see it differently. Someone I care about gives me a gift, I open it and thank them for it. Doesn’t matter what it is, if I like it or it gets tossed in the trash. The fact that it was given with affection and in hopes I would like it is the “real” gift IMO. Anwar really hurt JD, but is so wrapped up in himself, he doesn’t even notice their pain. Anwar has done the same thing to Chris, more than once. Nope, not liking Anwar right now.
But we need to recognize that JD has been unintentionally hurting Anwar through their entire relationship. Through bad communication on both parts it’s lead Anwar into a very untrusting situation where he can’t depend on JD for emotional support only sexual support(which he doesn’t need). I’m sure at first he thought it might have been something meaningful(you can see that in the second to last panel in the previous page). However, with enough anxiety and B of TheDeviantE’s post, you can make yourself believe it will be exactly what you hate and not need to open it. We’ve all procrastinated doing things that are really important and sometimes end up denying their importance. It”s basic psychology. Human’s aren’t always perfect and we can end up doing unsavory things no matter how good of person we may view them as
Also, It is reasonable to assume that Anwar has not had a romantic relationship since he was with JD and even though he may have grown a lot in the last 2 or 3 years in some ways, he may note have actually worked much on how to be in romantic relationships with people without worrying about not wanting sex. I tend to assume that he has buried a lot of these feelings and remained romantically celibate. This thing he has with Chris is forcing him to actually work though these things and is, likely, going to change him is ways that will make him a better (non-sexual) lover
.
You guys have to remember that this is all a flashback, taking place a good few years before Anwar and Chris meet; hell, JD is still female at this point in time. Anwar will still develop and grow into the way we know him today. That’s what being a student is all about.
I think that people need to give Anwar a break. He obviously has social anxiety issues, and this sex thing with JD has probably been eating him up inside for a while. He seems to me to be pretty pessimistic and generally emotional, as well as suffering from poor self-esteem related somewhat to his notion that something is wrong with him because he isn’t interested in sex. PLUS, he’s what, a teenager here? Talk about angst and hormonal issues too… All this combined can add up to a lot of repressed emotion that can sometimes explode. JD was just unlucky to be the person he ended up exploding on.
Coming from the point of view of someone who suffers from chronic anxiety, low self-esteem, over-emotionalness (yeah it’s a word…), and high levels of pessimism, I can completely understand Anwars reaction to JD. I would do the exact same thing if I was in his situation… And I have, many times. Of course, afterwards I would feel terrible, and would want to apologize… Which I may or may not due because my anxiety would be screaming at me that the person I was mean to would HATE ME FOREVER AND NEVER FORGIVE ME, and that I should just go hide. I don’t know. I just feel like getting over such ingrained emotional issues is hard, and it is the sad truth that over the process people are going to get hurt. And, although people may not think so, one of those people hurting is Anwar himself. :(
I don’t think that Anwar is a bad person. And, although the way he reacted to JD was not the right way to handle the situation, I am proud of him for not just saying “Yeah, I’m a man… I totes love the sex!” and continuing to not be true to himself. You may be getting a lot of hate, but I love you Anwar, because although you are hard to love, people like you (and me) need love, just like everyone else.
I think you’re the one whose said it best right now. Thank you for that.
I agree with Caterfree10…this is an excellent response, Diana!
I understand that people naturally will tend to not like certain characters and that preferences are normal. But at the same time, it gets to me when people continually put down Anwar or talk about why they don’t like him because the reasons typically mentioned are things other posters here have done or can relate to. So it becomes personal, especially (I would imagine) for those of us on the asexual spectrum. I think it would help to remember that in situations like this typically neither party has handled things perfectly and that when people react like Anwar did, they typically have reasons. Perhaps those reasons should not completely excuse their behavior, but they could at least help make the reaction more understandable and relate-able.
thank you for putting it into words! i see a lot of myself in anwar and tbh the negative comments are kinda depressing me.
This! So much this. Thank you!
Gonna slam my face into the computer screen and hope that somehow, you’re post gets carved into my face. In other words, I liked it a lot.
*facepallm* Oh god Anwar…. why? Just why?
Stop being a jackass for five seconds :(((
I am not sure what everyone is expecting. Yes Anwar is being a bit of a dick but JD isn’t without faults in this situation either. I don’t think I would have opened the present right away either. Anwar is hurting and confused and I think it’s not at all us usual for people to be thinking more about themselves at such a time.
If Anwar & JD said the perfect thing all the time there wouldn’t be much of a story for Tab to tell. Their imperfections is what makes these characters human, and what makes me want to hear their story.
I totally agree with this! Also, I think it should be pointed out that Anwar did NOT say this latest thing to JD. Yes, it sounds a bit offensive to just assume JD gave him porn, but that was a comment made to a roommate/friend (whoever that person is…) and not to JD themself. Sometimes you say certain things around friends to appear less hurt than you actually are. And sometimes after you break up with someone you really don’t want to open the last present they gave you. I don’t think his decisions here are all that odd…
I don’t understand where JD has done anything wrong. Anwar has never told them that he doesn’t like/want sex. Furthermore, he has had sex with JD and intentionally deceived them about why he didn’t want to let them “do” him. JD is not a mind reader and Anwar has been deliberately deceptive. How is it JD’s fault if Anwar betrayed their trust with his self-absorption and dishonesty?
In what way is it intentional deception to not tell someone that you don’t like sex when you don’t even understand your feelings about sex yourself? You may not have intended it this way, but your comment sounds incredibly insensitive to asexual people and pretty ace-phobic (I’m not sure if that’s a term, but it should be).
Anwar has not been “deliberately deceptive,” he just has not known how to voice the fact that he doesn’t find sex to be the most fun thing ever. In what way does that make JD a victim here? It’s not like Anwar is accusing JD of forcing him to do things against his will. But the fact is, JD in some ways has to have been at least a bit oblivious about Anwar’s feelings about sex because these flashbacks have shown that he chooses other things over sex when possible and does not seem to want to be pleasured himself during sex. He also doesn’t look incredibly happy doing it… Yes, it’s best if people speak up and say when they don’t like or want a certain thing. But sometimes people can’t. And sometimes people don’t know how to. That’s why it is the responsibility of BOTH or ALL parties to communicate during sex. Given that JD seems to be more experienced with and comfortable with sex, I would have expected them to have done a better job communicating with Anwar about it and asking before now about whether he enjoys the sex they’ve been having. I’m not necessarily saying everything is JD’s “fault” or that they specifically and horribly wronged Anwar. I’m saying both JD and Anwar made mistakes in this relationship, failed to communicate effectively, and should share some “blame” in the way this relationship has ended up. They also both share some “blame” for the fact that Anwar had a lot of sex during their relationship that he may not have really wanted to have.
I am in no way ace-phobic. But I reject the notion that JD was at fault for not questioning Anwar’s sexuality. JD was honest about their sexual needs and made the assumption, and reasonably so, that if Anwar was not interested in sex, he would say so. For whatever reason, Anwar did not honestly express his feelings about sex and, in fact, hid his aversion. He lied/was dishonest by omission at the very least. He certainly had reasons for how he is acting, but that does make how he has treated JD “okay”. JD offered a birthday gift with love and consideration for Anwar’s sexual needs they feared had not been met. Clearly, Anwar’s actions and words gave them no reason to think that the gift would be unwelcome. My heart hurts for a trusting JD’s pain.
i feel for jd but i’m surprised at the lack of compassion for anwar here. there’s no indication he even knows that asexuality is a thing at this point. he is oblivious to jd’s feelings yes but that’s because he’s in a lot of pain, his mind is an incessant turmoil of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy because where around us can we see positive examples of people who don’t have sex? where is it said that being in love and having sex don’t necessarily go hand in hand?
basically anwar has no fucking clue right now. is someting wrong with his body? his brain? is he even fertile? was he repressing horrible childhood memories? (all real questions i asked myself) i’m sorry for the crude comparison, but when an animal is in pain, it might bite you. and anwar is in a lot of pain, in his mind he is entirely responsible for it because he is a freak and sadly jd got hurt but anwar wasn’t really angry at jd here. he was angry at himself for failing to meet the world’s requirements.
like ok he’s not perfect but he’s young, he has a good heart and he’s having a hard time too
I will only say one thing on this matter. It is never okay to assume someone else’s sexual needs mirror your own. That is a very slippery slope, and leads to all sorts of hurt.
Kind of like what’s happening in the comic.
Except Anwar obviously has a lot of fear tied up in his (a)sexuality. He doesn’t yet (as far as I’ve seen) call himself asexual at this point in his life. Even if he is aware that he doesn’t like sex, he probably would not want to mention it because (speaking as an asexual person who went through this, who knows it is a common narrative) Anwar probably thinks he is broken. And he wouldn’t have wanted JD to realize he was broken, because who could love a broken thing like him? Anwar wasn’t intentionally deceiving JD, he probably thought everything would be fine as long as he satisfied their sexual needs. And when confronted with the fact that now he *has* to reveal his true feelings (which terrify him) he panicked.
I’m thinking, if this had happened between a man who was oblivious to the fact that the woman he was with wasn’t interested in sex, it would maybe have been easier to see – but – the kind of sex where the more forceful person gets the other person to have sex with them is very hurtful and not at all OK.
For a person to live in a constant state of “I’m not OK, I’m broken, and for the other person to love me I need to put myself at the point of constantly inviting them to rape me while at the same time not letting on” – what do you think it does to a person? Yes, this is not the best example of perfect, clear communication but it comes from a place of intense pain.
And maybe it doesn’t make JR a rapist exactly, but, they need to educate themselves on enthusiastic consent. Which it appears they have done, so, yay!
But enough with the Anwar-hating already!
In an earlier panel, Anwar states that he lied through his teeth so that JD would like him. So, I see no validity in holding JD responsible for the debacle their relationship ended in. JD was honest about their needs and had every right to expect Anwar was being honest about his.
I don’t hate Anwar. I feel badly that he has been/is so miserable and he isn’t a hateful person. But his hurtful behavior is not surprising, as his attention is focused completely on himself. Consequently, he tramples on other peoples’ feelings and hurts those who care about him. Understandable, but not excusable. Having to continually apologize for one’s behavior should be an indication that one’s behavior needs to change. Other people’s “stuff” matters, too.
That’s his own way of perceiving it. I think he was lying to himself, while trying to be what he felt JD wanted him to be– he was lying, yeah, but not to fool JD. We’ve seen that Anwar is a very self-loathing person. It’s only natural for him to accuse himself of the worst things.
I disagree. JD definitely had some hand in how the relationship proceeded and ended, and thus also should be given some responsibility for its final outcome. You said you are in no way ace-phobic, and that’s great if it’s true, but a lot of people hold internalized ideas about what a relationship should be, how sex should go, and things like that (even asexual people sometimes), and those kind of internalized ideas are what I see coming out in some of your posts. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but to me they seem to unnecessarily put all of the responsibility for respecting the fact that an asexual person does not want sex (if that is in fact the case…because some asexual people are willing to have sex but just don’t personally desire it) on the asexual person while implying that the asexual person’s partner(s) have no responsibilities in this area until/unless they are directly told that the person is asexual. I think enthusiastic consent (which atma mentioned above) is a responsibility of all parties and I think that it’s an important concept potentially left out of your view of JD and Anwar’s relationship. Yes, it seems Anwar more or less consented (so I do not view JD as having sexually assaulted him), but I do not believe it was enthusiastic consent. When engaging in sex it is every person’s responsibility to check in with their partner(s) about how they are feeling about the sex, whether they want it (and want to continue it), etc. Some people engage in parameter setting beforehand and have safe words, which can work well. Others communicate actively during sex (good examples of which can be seen in some of the new Khaos Komix side stories elsewhere on this site) and check in with each other. We don’t have any proof of this obviously, but it is my best guest that JD did not engage in this kind of behavior. When they initially engaged in sex but had no time for Anwar to cum JD did not really spend time checking in with Anwar about that, they just explained that they had no time and that they hoped he would be okay with that. Also, when really faced with a direct question about whether he liked sex, Anwar decided to be honest. I think that if JD had asked him if he was enjoying sex prior to this he would have been similarly honest- he does not seem to want to lie (though obviously he has used saying little as a strategy to avoid being honest about his feelings). We actually have seen Anwar checking in about sex-related things, such as what JD wanted to do after they orgasmed and whether JD liked hugging after sex. There’s also the importance of reading body language. Given that he doesn’t ever really desire sex, I doubt Anwar’s body language before hand ever said “yes, I really, really want this!” It was probably at most pretty neutral, which isn’t the kind of enthusiastic consent you usually want to see (unless it has been talked about ahead of time and partners understand and agree that they want to have sex even when one is not enthusiastic but is willing). Maybe JD truly did not notice this, but if they did they really should have discussed it with Anwar.
The main thing that makes me think JD is partially responsible for the end of the relationship revolves around JD’s first present to Anwar. Anwar has clearly not expressed interest in sex or himself getting off during sex prior to this, yet JD seems to assume that Anwar orgasming is a necessary part of sex and that he must want to experience that but is just too shy to ask. Obviously there is a lot of miscommunication and incorrect assumptions going on here (on both sides really), but part of it on JD’s side is JD’s assumption that sex is important to everyone and that everyone must want it. They assume this of Anwar despite some evidence to the contrary and then offer him sex for his birthday. We know that this came from the thought that Anwar is simply too shy to request what he wants sexually, so perhaps it sounds like a nice gesture to some. However, I honestly don’t think that would be a good gift even for a non-asexual person who is shy about sex (as JD described Anwar). It would put a lot of pressure on the person. I think a much better idea, once they noticed that Anwar is at least “shy” about sex, would have been to open the lines of communication and really discuss the issue with Anwar while being open to his feelings, experiences, and opinions. Instead not only did JD offer sexual favors to Anwar as a gift, but they even reacted by questioning Anwar (or at least starting to- a seemingly negative reaction) when he originally tried to assert what he actually wanted (to watch a movie and cuddle). If the offer really had been open and entirely directed at making Anwar happy, JD would have accepted Anwar’s initial choice without question. Instead JD probably made a value judgement that Anwar is sexually repressed but that sex is good/important (maybe even necessary) and that Anwar needed to use this opportunity to experience something sexual.
So just to reiterate what I’ve said elsewhere, I do not blame either JD or Anwar exclusively. In fact, I don’t think “blame” should be thrown around at all because both made mistakes but both are just human (and human teenagers on top of that). Neither did anything reprehensible in my opinion. However, in terms of responsibility I think it is important not to put either on a pedestal or exonerate one while villianizing the other (which is how your initial comment sounded to me). Both made mistakes and both could learn from them in order to have better (and more enthusiastically consensual) relationships in the future. I do also agree with the other thing that atma said- JD seems to have learned a lot since this relationship and I’m guessing they are great at enthusiastic consent and communication now. Anwar, on the other hand, has a long way to go, but I would say this conversation with Chris (that got interrupted by this flashback) is a step in the right direction.
I actually don’t know about that whole ‘if JD had asked him a direct question, he would have been upfront’ thing. It’s true, we haven’t seen JD ask him super blatantly in any of the flashbacks, but there is a flashback to right before they started dating, and they actually did have some kind of a discussion about it. Anwar states that he had been considering JD as a girlfriend and assuming that JD was asexual, like he was. JD then kind of throws him for a loop by getting really flirty/suggestive. In this whole interaction, JD actually does directly ask Anwar if he’d be interested in a sexual relationship. It’s obviously flirty banter and not a serious question, and they are clearly expecting him to say yes ( I would also venture that they would have gotten really hurt had he rejected them), but he doesn’t really answer them at all. He just kind of deflects, and then gets really uncomfortable and brings up a few excuses. There’s a point where Anwar is clearly struggling with whether or not to tell JD that he is asexual, and JD does makes an assumption and put some words in his mouth, but he goes along with it and knowingly lets JD go on thinking that his lack of experience is just due to a lack of opportunity. On top of that, they don’t have sex that first night and JD is pretty adamant about being taken out to dinner first, so it isn’t like Anwar doesn’t have time to explain the situation more clearly when things aren’t so charged.
Now that’s not to say that I don’t completely get his frame of mind, because I have 100% been in that situation before. It’s that feeling of ‘telling them that I don’t want them is going to hurt and is too difficult, and I am very uncomfortable and also worried about potential backlash. It’s much easier to just go along with it even if it’s not what I want’. I think it’s a perfectly relatable position to be in, and in a perfect world everyone I know would be as good at reading body language as I am. The reality for me however is that if someone tries to get my consent and I give it, even if I don’t really mean it or it’s obvious that I’m not really into it, that then becomes at least partially my responsibility. I’m not saying fault, because you’re totally right and that’s not even really an applicable concept here. I’m also definitely not saying that a lack of blatant rejection qualifies as consent. It’s just that if someone asks me if I want something or am ok with it, and I knowingly mislead them into thinking that I am, I feel like that then becomes less of a problem with them and more of an internal issue with me. Also, if the inverse were to happen (if I was into something and had given consent), and the person I was with misread my body language and proceeded to continuously second guess me, I might actually get offended.
I think that JD just couldn’t read Anwar well enough to realize that something was wrong, and attributed any reluctance to shyness. I also think that Anwar was very happy to just let them assume that, because it meant not having to explain or confront his asexuality. In my mind, they both started out with mistaken assumptions about each other, and JD was just more vocal on their actual stance on sex. I’d also say that it seems like JD has a lot of insecurity about how attractive they are, and that they seem to be attributing any lack of sexual appetite on Anwar’s part as a response to that (in addition to his ‘shyness’).
That aside, I don’t dislike Anwar at all for any of that, because that all just seems like a bad misunderstanding between two (three? more? unsure how to quantify JD) people who care about each other. What’s making me dislike him currently is that when things finally came to a head it seemed like there was going to be some actual communication. He finally told them that he was asexual, and he was starting to open up about why he had kept it a secret and how it was rooted in his own insecurity. Then JD told him that they loved him and he just shut it all down. I understand why, and I also understand that he is supposed to be kind of young, but when you make an accusation like the one he makes (‘No, you love how I fuck you’) and then when they try to explain how they feel you just bulldoze over them, that’s not really cool in my book.
Side note: This is actually my first time commenting. I’m usually just a lurker, but I thought your comment was really well written and very thoughtful, and it really made me want to write my own personal interpretation of this in response (sorry it’s practically an essay!). If any part of it offends anyone, please know that it really isn’t my intention, and that if I’ve accidentally said anything terrible it’s out of ignorance and not malice. Anyways, I love this comic and the community in the comments section so far seems so cool and respectful, I thought I might become a more active part of it. :)
“I think that JD just couldn’t read Anwar well enough to realize that something was wrong, and attributed any reluctance to shyness. I also think that Anwar was very happy to just let them assume that, because it meant not having to explain or confront his asexuality. ”
This caught my attention – perhaps since JD knows what they mistook as shyness on Anwar’s part was actually reluctance, they took the time to deciphers Anwar’s body language more closely? They pointed out to Anwar to quit flinching when they first went to the BDSM Club in the beginning of the comic, saying that the person whipping the lady isn’t going to hit Anwar, then Anwar comments, “I know but it still makes me uncomfortable.” (Or something to those lines.)
Really interesting, thank you for bringing that up~ Your post overall was very refreshing to read, it helped me understand more about Anwar and JD. Congrats on your first comment!! ^3^
I’m really shocked at how much hate Anwar has been getting. I am not defending his actions or attitude, but I certainly will defend him as a character-person, most of all because I relate to him a lot on the ace-angst front.
I am right there with him; even though these specific relationships and incidents have never occurred for me, similar scenarios have played out in my life such that I can see myself reacting much the same as he has once.
When I think about the little shit I was at 18, 19… and yes, right through to the end of uni. It’s taken me years just to be able to recognize what a jerk I AM, it’s going to take a lot longer to alter my behavior. (So when I hear y’all condemning him for “lack of growth” in such a short period of time I have to say it feels kinda personal. But that’s my own lookout.)
Ultimately I am finding this a very fascinating and realistic story, and whether or not Anwar bucks up his behavior I’m still finding it both entertaining and cathartic.
Really agree with you here! I think Anwar’s poor responses reflective not just of him, but how much pressure and hurt he’s faced from society in general and himself personally because of being ace, compounded by JD being their exuberantly sexual self, and silently having tried so hard to please them in the past despite himself (though of course maybe he should have just spoken up, but sometimes we do stupid things in like/love) just sort of all blowing up all over the place.
That said, if not for the faith I have in Tab for writing beautifully fleshed out characters, I may not be as able to accept the portrait of Anwar that we’ve been getting…
Poor ‘War.
He’s having a really hard time and that manifests in being mean and selfish which, I just don’t think he is.
I’m glad this is a flashback, as it gives me hope that he has improved somewhat since then, in that he takes more care over other people’s feelings. Then again, I know for a fact that when I’m upset or doubting myself or angsting over my issues I pay no attention at all to those of anyone else. That’s just human nature. I normally realise afterwards that I’ve been an arse-hat.
…pretty much as I’m fairly sure is going to happen in the next page.
Poor ‘War. Poor JD. :(
I’m really wondering how this flashback is going to come back to the present story. Anwar and Chris were pretty much in the middle of a conversation, weren’t they? Originally I thought this would be a short flashback but it has been a pretty lengthy one. Definitely an important one too, but I just wonder how it is going to flow back into that conversation from earlier…if it is at all? Maybe that conversation will just be over now?
I guess that means Anwar’s been staring into space for 10 minutes with Chris getting increasingly concerned.
Ow, self identification. :(
I don’t know if its an Ace thing or not but I was kind of the same way. I was so terrified to date some one because of my own flaws and short comings that I turned down a great guy for a year and a half before I said yes. And the only reason I said yes at first was because I got tired of saying no.
For me being Ace made me feel like I was broken and that there was something wrong with. I didn’t know how to handle being that different from the rest of the world. Even being gay or trans you are still like everyone else in the since that you have a sex drive but with being Ace you are kind of a freak because you don’t want sex or at least you don’t enjoy it or really see the point in it. So for me I use to think it was this huge massive flaw and that I was a freak because of it.
Just as a note I think we should all be careful about comparing/ranking minority identities here (or in general). I understand what you’re saying about gay people or trans people who are not asexual being like other non-sexual (verisexual) people and thus not feeling like a “freak” in that way. However, gay people are not like predominantly straight society and often feel like a “freak” because of that, while trans people are not like predominately cisgender society and are often straight up told they are “freaks” or that their gender identities are invalid. Also, at least for trans people, there is often a period before finding out that transgender identities exist (or one’s specific identity exists) when a person may especially feel they are a “freak” that is flawed and unlike anyone else (similar to how many asexual people feel prior to finding out that other asexual people exist). As a trans person and a demisexual person I have definitely felt like a freak due to each of those identities at different points of time. I think it’s important to keep intersectionality in mind though, and to remember that almost everyone has at least one privileged identity and many also have at least one minority identity. So a straight cisgender asexual person still has cisgender privilege and heterosexual privilege and will never be made to feel like a “freak” due to their gender identity or sexual orientation, while a verisexual transgender person or a verisexual gay person have verisexual privilege and will never be made to feel like a “freak” due to not wanting sex (though it IS very important to note that many LGBT people, especially trans people, are viewed as sexually “deviant” and highly sexualized, so they actually may feel like “freaks” due to sexual factors as well, but probably not in the same way as asexual people might).
Don’t understand why everyone is being so judgmental of Anwar. People are allowed to progress at different paces! All people are flawed. Personally, I’m going to reserve my judgments.
Same here. I’m getting annoyed because everyone expects him to be perfect and to understand himself fully. Anwar can be a great person. We’re seeing him at his worst, and I’d feel terrible for him if he was all our friend and we heard this word-for-word from him. It’s like, we’d be nice to his face while we can but go back to Tab’s place and beat imaginary-Anwar with a stick while putting him down behind his back. Seriously, lol. There’s no doubt he’s being an asshole here, but he’s been suffering too. Everyone person is entitled to be an asshole now and again, imo.
I can completely understand where Anwar is coming from. I used to be confused about my sexuality too. I couldn’t fully explain and didn’t have a term for it so I just declared myself as asexual.
Of course, my then-friends made a show of it. Whenever someone new would ask me about my relationship status, a friend would chime in, “No, she’s asexual.” Apparently, being asexual means being incapable of a romantic relationship. :p
Luckily, I discovered that I’m a demisexual. Finally a way to express myself and my feelings without stumbling in the dark.
For those that don’t know what demisexuality is: basically, I don’t experience primary sexual attraction. I only experience secondary sexual attraction which occurs after establishment of close emotional bond (i.e. boy/girlfriend or really close friend.)
Although being a demi isn’t the same as being ace, I still know the feels. I felt like a freak for the longest time and still do sometimes when I try to explain demisexuality. Some view it as a choice to refrain from having sex outside of a relationship.
Oh man, I know those feelings. I thought I was completely asexual all the way through my final years of school, which meant I could never mention having a crush on someone without people going, ‘How does that work? I thought you were asexual? Have you realised you were wrong?’ I got very tired of pointing out that asexual =/= aromantic and that if they wanted to be so sure of what my identity meant, maybe they should read up on it.
Now I’m in my first relationship and it turns out that whilst sex still isn’t a ‘can’t live without it’ need for me, I do enjoy sex and the feelings of intimacy and love that come with it. Which probably makes me demisexual? IDK, most of my identity at the moment consists of me flailing around going ‘help I am confused but these words seem to sum me up best’.
neon, thank you for that definition. i can relate very strongly to it as well.
Everything else aside, which others have already gone into detail with, I do find it a bit strange/telling that Anwar is actually expecting the gift to be porn/surprised it would be anything but porn. He and JD have been friends before they started having sex, they have plenty of interests in common, that in his mind their relationship and JD is now all about sex explains his behaviour, even if it doesn’t necessarily excuse it.
He’s obviously talked himself into this, focusing on what he can’t/doesn’t want to do and not deliberately ignoring but honestly forgetting, as wrapped up as he is in his issues, that JD has plenty of other reasons to care about him.
It still seems pretty self-involved and something he should have at the very least realized a minute after telling JD that they don’t love him, but at least it shows just how big a thing this has become for him.
I feel like yes, Anwar is being an unreasonable dick… But I totally understand where he is coming from. Yes he has a messed up perception of what his relationship is, but we don’t know what exactly him and JD do all the time. How often do they have sex? How expressive is JD of what they love about Anwar when they aren’t having sex? Do they communicate love the same way? We just dont know that much about it. I feel like this whole thing is a problem of communication. JD has been interested in sex from the first time they went to Anwar’s place together. Anwwar obviously hasn’t communicated before now that his needs are very different from JD’s needs, this is a problem of communication, not either of them being an asshole.
Anwar obviously has a lot of fear about being abandoned because he’s “broken” and society always shows EVERY romantic relationship involving sex, sex is the end goal. And that can be so scary for an asexual. Especially to an asexual with no sex drive (or one who is not aroused by sexual acts). I guess I really sympathize with him, having been in basically this exact situation before. It’s a mixture of fear you are somehow broken and unlovable, and wanting to be the one that ends it so that you aren’t just being proven right… Because as long as you are the one that leaves… Maybe you aren’t unlovable…
“It’s a mixture of fear you are somehow broken and unlovable, and wanting to be the one that ends it so that you aren’t just being proven right… Because as long as you are the one that leaves… Maybe you aren’t unlovable…”
Yes, yes, and more yes. XOXOXO and huggles. <3
I’m surprised that we’re having a conversation about who’s “at fault” or “to blame” and who’s not. I mean, to me, Anwar and JD seem like two people who really care about each other (as evidenced by their later friendship bond) who are both just trying the best they can to work stuff out as it comes. I guess I just like *everyone* in this comic a lot—I’m on all of their sides, even when they are not at their respective bests—so assigning blame or fault isn’t where I’m at.
It reminds me of past situations when two of my friends were having a rough patch: I might talk with one or both of them about what’s going on, and we might identify exactly what about our third friend’s behavior is Not Cool, but we don’t then go into the mode of deciding that they are shitty/selfish/an asshole/whatever. I think that’s how I feel about the characters in this comic.
hey all, i read a lot and rarely comment, but I just wanted to say that i’m really happy about the fact that people on this forum are dealing with very touchy issues in an extremely mature, respectful way. in my experience, this is rare for the internet! i am also learning a bunch about folx with different relationships to sexuality than i have, and i’m immensely grateful for that opportunity.
Hello everyone. First of all, I love this comic and the “old” ones. They helped me a lot to start understanding what an identity is. Second, I have a little question and if somebody can answer it I will be thankful, I wish this does not sound rude, but I don’t know another way to ask it: Does an asexual have erotic fantasies, or this kind of thought is replaced with other kind of… ideas? Sorry for the mess, I suck at many levels of english! ;:I
In general it’s not a question that can be answered for the group.
I’ve heard of some asexuals who do have erotic fantasies, but their fantasies are all about sensations, not about people. And there may be others who have more “typical” erotic fantasies, but I’ve never spoken to one who does.
Personally, as a highly romantic asexual, the closest equivalent I have is daydreaming about curling up on the sofa snuggling into a beloved’s arms, or sitting together in a place of shelter watching the raw fury of nature in the form of a massive storm. So, for me at least, far more about a non-sexual intersection between emotional bonding and physical contact.
Thank you very much for the answer. Lately I have problems to find out who I am, and this kind of information helps a lot. And I thought I could ask here becouse I don’t realy have someone to talk about this kind of things. Again, Thank you and sorry for the mistakes :P
Ok, so I was *really* not understanding why everyone kept saying ‘war was being a “dick.” Turns out I missed a key page, after JD saying “I know I’m not the sexiest” and right before they left. Where ‘war sort of erupted a little. I still don’t think he was a jerk, he didn’t say JD was a bad person, or shame them, the hurtful part was him saying he felt like JD only valued him for sex, and the *way* he pointed out that JD “got” him sex for his birthday (ps, I still think it’s totally valid for him to be super hurt that that was the gift that was the big deal… if you’ve been dreading sex, and clearly aren’t enjoying it, consent culture means that your partner should be *noticing* that. JD didn’t. Had JD even ever asked him whether he *wanted* more sex? I don’t think so, we’ve mostly seen ‘war turn down sex, which clearly JD hadn’t picked up on. So JD was clearly not seeing Anwar, but instead an idealized person in their relationship, honestly I sort of agree with ‘war, that level of “off” in a gift shows that the person isn’t actually paying much attention to you, and your desires, which is a key part of loving someone for them, instead of just what they represent to you).
So, is Anwar bad at communicating? hell yes, but that page reminded me very much of me when something’s been scratching at the back of my mind, and then it only fully forms itself during a fight or something. And how easy it is when you are feeling hurt/angry to lash out more than you meant to.
So, given that he sort of erupted at JD, said very explicitly that he doesn’t like sex, and that he feels like that’s the only thing JD likes him for, the likelihood that a heartbroken JD would have left porn drops off SO MUCH. But still, I think by this point, the lens that he’s been looking at their relationship through has become ingrained. He was probably stewing for months thinking about how “deficient” he was for not liking sex, for not wanting JD that way, so that everything has become about sex (and lack thereof) for him. I STILL maintain that the ways we’ve seen JD interact with him since they started dating *have* been primarily centered on sex. And that his fear (that they primarily valued him for their sexual relationship) was valid.
Anyway. I like JD a lot (in the current time). And don’t even really blame them that much in the flashbacks, they are both so young it takes a while to figure out good communication. But when it comes to sex, I think it’s the assertive partner’s duty to be actively checking in with the more passive/receptive partner. “No means no” isn’t enough. In a right world, sex should be about the solicitation of enthusiastic yes, not the lack of no. Which is clearly what JD’s been operating with.