Shades Of A 110
This page is called “How not to negotiate your needs in an assertive manner”
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Ouch
duuuuuuuuuude
JD’s reaction makes me think that this is where they come to the conclusion that they are a rapist and burst into tears. :/ I feel very sorry for them both n this situation.
Rereading this and saw your comment. Due to poor communication skills with my partner, I’ve felt like JD in this page recently. It is devastating. We’re doing better… but words, my friend. We must all use our words.
I love rereading Tab’s work. Including the comments. This is such a supportive and educational community.
Oh jeeze Anwar… never mind he doesnt improve with The communication. Hopefully JD made improvements…
Woooooooooow, that’s….wow.
“It’s all my fault!”
“No, it was my fault first!”
“But it’s my fault more!”
“I AM THE FAULTIEST, BOW BEFORE MY SELF-BLAME AND COWER!!!”
Ah humans, so proud of their own importance that even blame is something to be fought for. :)
Seriously though, kinda bristled at that “no you don’t [love me]” thing, have had that happen (not from an ACE, just a mildly self-centered twatwaffle who didn’t love me and felt better if he projected). I mean, where does anyone get off dictating how someone else feels? It’s fine to not like sex, it’s fine to not want to be with someone, and it’s certainly fine to not want to be with someone because of an incompatibility like sexual preferences, but you don’t get to somehow blame them and not give them the option to have some say in how they feel.
I feel bad for Anwar because he’s fighting what he needs so much in an effort to fit the norms of a fairly linear ‘must-breed’ society, but honestly, he could not be more of a dickface here if he tried. Poor JD.
“It’s all my fault!”
“No, it was my fault first!”
“But it’s my fault more!”
“I AM THE FAULTIEST, BOW BEFORE MY SELF-BLAME AND COWER!!!”
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!
This made me chuckle :)
I’m sorry, but I’m loving Anwar on this page. Not because he hurt JD, but because I think this page is probably one of the first pages where’s he’s completely honest with himself and another. He usually gives into what others want to make them happy, and although this method of handling the situation wasn’t exactly to spare JD and their feelings, it is showing Anwars development of who he is, and he’s being honest with what he wants. This being a flashback it seems unfortunate that this didn’t really stick with him, you know? He wades around everything because he’s so focused on others happiness, atleast I think so. I don’t know.
See, you can’t even get that from Anna from Shades of Grey(or is it Gray?). With Anwar there’s a relation the audience can have with him, with Ana, well, Ana just sucks, and is super bland, if someone can properly relate to Ana’s character then they’d have to be a cardboard cutout, I swear.
I’m seeing something else. I see Anwar going about this completely the wrong way. He’s not communicating properly what the nature of the situation really is. JD must feel hurt and confused due to the lack of communication.
And if Anwar is going to break up with JD, he should take the steps to explain why. He should explain that he’s asexual, and it’s something completely out of both their control.
And he doesn’t want it to work between the two of them. He’s making the decision for both of them whilst leaving so much out. But either way, he doesn’t get to decide whether JD loves him or not.
Tl;dr Anwar isn’t explaining this well enough and I don’t like how he’s hurting JD.
well it’s hard to say I’m asexual when 99% of the population it’s not? And deny it exist? And then recognize your one. He’s learning. I think.
Geesh, present Anwar doesn’t seemed to have matured any since past Anwar. It’s still about him, him, him and he continues with the lack of communication. In light of Anwar’s lack of growth, Chris could do so much better IMO.
It’s his birthday and his SO offered him sex when he obviously didn’t show interest in it in the past. Anwar isn’t making it about him, it IS about him, and the situation is JD’s fault to begin with.
How did he “obviously not show interest” if he had sex with JD whenever they asked? These flashbacks have Anwar at his most obtuse and other-people-first-ism, he never hinted to JD in these past flashbacks that he didn’t like it. The one scene we were privy to he only says he doesn’t mind ‘waiting’, no real hint as to him disliking it.
I second everything Coyote typed.
Excellent points. Anwar not only ignoring what JD is trying to tell him, he is telling them how they feel. He is really hurting them, but is so focused on himself he doesn’t even see it. What bothers is me is that if we fast forward to the present, he is doing the same thing to Chris. Looks to me like no growth or maturation at all. Poor Chris…
I don’t think Anwar is so obtuse that he doesn’t notice he’s hurting JD, he just honestly believes what he’s saying.
We need to move beyond a “no means no” to a actively soliciting “yes” culture regarding sex. I don’t think that JD was evil or bad for not noticing Anwar’s reticence. But it HAS been visible (Anwar’s lack of interest), and JD didn’t look for active enthusiasm, but instead just the absence of no. So no, I don’t agree.
If you offer me asparagus every single time I come over, and I want to be polite, don’t like it but I know you LOVE making asparagus, so I say yes, that doesn’t make it my fault if you decide to make me an ASPARAGUS CAKE for my birthday because you’ve noticed whenever I come over that you always get more, so clearly I wish I could have asparagus that was ALL MINE. And if I snap and tell you that I DON’T LIKE ASPARAGUS, that doesn’t make me a giant jerk. It makes us two people, one who didn’t notice that their friend wasn’t actively enjoying the asparagus, and the other a person who never did a very good job of communicating their feelings regarding asparagus.
This is so bad…if this is how they officially broke up then I don’t understand how they ever managed to stay friends! I mean, this is pretty terrible all around. JD has just realized Anwar doesn’t like sex and is still probably grappling with the fact that it’s not about the way JD goes about sex that makes Anwar not like it. Then there’s the added statement/accusation that they don’t really love Anwar, they just love the sex Anwar gives them and the complaint that they got Anwar, someone who doesn’t like sex, sex for his birthday. I’m sure JD is feeling pretty bad here. Based on the dialogue it feels like they don’t really want to break up over this, but at that point I don’t think they feel like they can protest or suggest trying a relationship without sex between them. They’re probably pretty preoccupied with feeling like a terrible person and believe that since they have been so terrible for Anwar (in terms of the fact that they had sex he didn’t want) they need to finally allow him to be free of them. Now I’m not saying they wouldn’t or shouldn’t accept a breakup if it was discussed and was genuine (since this one seems to be coming from the heat of the moment)- I just think that if they weren’t feeling so terribly here they probably would have discussed this more with Anwar and that a breakup may not have been the ultimate result.
As for Anwar, I can understand where he’s coming from and the defensiveness and self-blame behind his comments but I’m not really sure he wants to break up here either. It seems like he has reached a breaking point, now that JD knows he does not like sex and almost blamed themself for it (which seems like something Anwar would feel really bad about…he tries so hard to please JD and make them happy so it would probably be terrible for him to indirectly hurt them because he was finally somewhat honest about what he thinks of sex). I think declaring that they should break up is a mix of defensiveness and fight or flight responding. I know in my very first relationship myself and my partner would do things like that- threaten to break up in the middle of a fight because that felt like the safest route (and we were young, like JD and Anwar). For Anwar it probably feels like the route where he would hurt JD the least (though I highly doubt that’s really true).
I just feel so bad for both of them if it really does end here, with no further discussion. JD will probably always feel terrible for seemingly taking advantage of Anwar (since they had sex when he didn’t like it) and for being so oblivious that they got him the gift of sex for his birthday. And Anwar will probably always feel like he could not be the one thing JD really wanted, someone who enjoys sex (though I’m betting he might be wrong about exactly what JD wants too, especially since they said it’s not like that). It would be really interesting to see how a functioning (relatively speaking) friendship develops out of this.
You can tell Anwar’s really built up a lot of resentment about the sex at this point. Sandbagging your feelings and then barfing them all over somebody when they finally do come up is a really, really shitty thing to do. He has the ability to hurt JD now over it and he’s really taking the opportunity to do so. I get that there’s a level of martyrdom going on here too, but the pent up aggression is really obvious.
I’m glad the they’re both shown to be at fault here, because it’s more interesting narratively, and also because this is very similar to how I’ve seen relationships play out.
I’m glad we get to see how they grow from here and it’s encouraging to know that they somehow get to be friends after all this.
I’m way too emotionally invested in this comic aaaaaa
I’m sorry, but all I managed to get from your comment is a crazy mental image of emotion-barf. Someone opens their mouth, and little hearts (whole or broken) and happy-or-sad faces and rainbows or rain clouds and things just come spilling out.
Thanks for making my brain see that. =p
O_X Thanks for breaking my brain by sharing that image.
I’m just too aware of how young they both are to really blame Anwar for this. The guys I knew in high school who did shitty things at break up did WAY SHITTIER things than that.
So I mean, he’s shitty? but not as shitty as a LOT of kids that age when it comes to relationships. What happened here would be WAY shittier from someone say 5 years older, who I would expect to have a better handle on emotions and whatnot.
I’m sorry, Anwar’s being a jackass without even letting JD get a word in edgewise to defend themselves, especially when it came to the “You don’t really love me”. That, for all any of us know, could be a blatant lie. I really have little sympathy for ‘War right now, and his attitude has not improved between what we’re seeing now and the Chris situation.
Unfortunately I have to agree with this. Anwar frustrates me to no end. I understand that society is tough on ace people and that it’s easy to get the feeling that you’re wrong or bad or different for not being interested in sex, but neither JD nor Chris themselves have actually shown that sort of attitude towards Anwar (although JD did misinterpret Anwar’s disinterest in sex due to a horrible lack of communication on both their parts).
Anwar doesn’t really seem to give anyone much chance to accept him for who he is. He refuses to communicate, and once he finally does, he pushes people away. Usually I’d say someone in that scenario should take time to be on their own and learn to accept themselves. He’s gotten a bit better at communicating with Chris, but… I still feel like he has a lot of self-acceptance to do.
I guess I would have more sympathy for Anwar if he didn’t seem to “melt down” every time something goes wrong. Examples we’ve seen in the handful of glimpses in his life: this one with JD, Uni test results, seeing JD with their subs at the munch, childishness after he kissed Chris and the sex crisis with Chris. Does he ever handle anything with maturity??
I gotta wonder, in the not-too-distant-past how many men came out and the wife/girlfiend is like ‘was it me? Did I turn you gay!?’
Tons, I can assure you.
Snrrrkk spy-cam on my life. I’m at the point of having this conversation as well. Poor Anwar..
I feel like I have been exactly where Anwar is right now… and it’s kind of terrible.
What commentators aren’t taking into account is that society doesn’t really accept the notion of asexual as a thing at all. Unless he lives in Tumblr and online comics like those of us here, there is no reason Anwar would necessarily know “asexual” is an option. He isn’t a very good communicator to begin with, and it doesn’t help that he comes from a conservative background and doesn’t have the words to explain what’s “wrong” with him.
If you look at his body language, he isn’t trying to railroad JD here… he’s in total melt-down. This isn’t JD’s fault, because he obviously didn’t communicate and so they couldn’t know better, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s Anwar’s fault either. He does not yet have the tools he needs to handle this situation.
I’m almost 30 years old and happily married, and I still don’t have the tools to handle this situation! Most people flat-up do not understand why other people might not be interested in sex, and if you try to explain it, they tell you that you’re wrong. Eventually that’s what you believe.
… wow, sorry, first time poster, but I’ve been reading since Khaos… I don’t think I’d realized how much validation I was getting out of this comic.
Yeah, I can get that at this point Anwar doesn’t know that asexuality is actually a thing but verballing savaging someone that’s just said that they love you?
All I’m saying is for the love of Cthulhu, join the dots up here Anwar but you give Chris the same treatment.
Nellie, I feel pretty similarly to you, I think.
Anwar has no tools to handle his situation, or words to describe what’s “wrong” with him. He has a great deal of “you are wrong” trained into him. Its crushing him. He’s tried not communicating at all. Now he’s trying to communicate (because he’s been backed into a wall), but he’s mixing up his insecurities and fears with what he needs to talk about.
Its very human.
I do feel like the hurt he’s causing JD is in great part his responsibility and fault (because as an adult, even if no one has trained him to communicate, its still his fault if he can’t. That’s adulthood). But, I empathize with him a lot, and I can see that as a person he might not be able to do better at this time in his life.
I guess its the difference between causing harm out of malice, versus ignorance, versus a lack of skills. He lacks the skills to do better here. Its really sad. :(
Ouch…that’s a kick in the parts…
Let this be an illustration of how to never handle an argument. Back to being thoroughly annoyed/irritated/angry with Anwar right now.
“You love how I fuck you”
OUCH.
“Welcome to dumpville. Population… you!”
Ooh… Ouch. I Anwar is NOT handling this well at ALL.
I see a lot of people here getting really angry with Anwar and noting how he doesn’t seem to have matured at all between this flashback and being with Chris, but we’re only up to the explosion in this flashback. Remember how ‘War caught himself with Chris and basically went “oh shit, I was focusing on me again, I’m sorry, you have it shitty too and I don’t have a monopoly on being sad/hurt and what is it you really want from me?” I like that part.
Also, I can kind of see why he said what he did about JD only loving the sex he gives them; remember how he assumed Chris would want him to undress in a split second and jump right to the f***ing part of sex? If that’s what being with JD conditioned him to think, there’s a good possibility that, at least in ‘War’s mind at the time, his relationship with JD really did hinge on sex and having sex holy-crap-right-now!
On the other hand, I can understand being annoyed and even angry with Anwar here because he is being purposefully deaf to JD’s words and feelings, but others are ALSO right that the poor boy probably hasn’t got a clue being asexual is an option so he assumes something is wrong WITH HIM but he does like JD on some level and doesn’t want them to be trapped with someone “defective” like him (his thoughts, not the reality). Telling JD they don’t love him is his (badly misguided and totally wrong) way of giving them an out in the relationship. Yes, he’s being a whiny brat about it. But I have to wonder how long this relationship has really been going if he came to the conclusion JD only loves the sex. That’s a harsh thing to say and, even in the heat of the moment, you wouldn’t usually say something like that unless you believed it on some level.
And this turned into a small rant. Sorry.
tld;r, Anwar IS being a whiny brat and not going about this right but there is obviously something going on in his head that makes him think this is right and helpful to JD and he also seems to have matured at some point because he did stop himself and talk to Chris when he had a similar (though not as intense) breakdown.
*I think Anwar is NOT handling this well at ALL.
Forgot a word there, sorry.
I can see why people are getting annoyed at Anwar, but you all need to take in account the fact most people, besides a quarter of the internet, have no clue what asexuality is for humans and that humans can even have it. I’ve tried to tell someone in the past about asexuality and they just wouldn’t wrap their head around it. On a social media site, I was trying to explain my lack of interest in sex and a person tried to insist it’s just because I haven’t had it or the right kind yet– a lot of people were in agreement with them.
Yes, Anwar is being mean, but he’s freaking out. He’s been trying to be what society expects him to be, what he wants to be for JD, and it’s clear he hates being asexual. He tried to bear with it, in the wrong way. Now he’s taking pent up frustration out on other people. Not everyone is a fantastic communicator. I know I’m not, even though I try to be. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to have an amazing level of communication with other human beings, regardless of the status(family, SO, friend, etc) those other people have.
And if I recall, Anwar has always come off as stiff or cringed when sex was brought up, and he never looked happy doing it(no smiles, blushing, whatever– just “:|”). If we’re going to get annoyed with people for having bad communication, we might as well be mad at them for having bad perception as well.
I totally agree with you. I’d be surprised if Anwar even knew that he himself is ace. It’s kind of hard for him not to freak out, too, considering that this whole conversation has literally been about sex, specifically him not wanting it. JD in just the page prior basically equated their perceived lack of sexual prowess as a statement on their worth in the relationship. Anwar is feeling the exact same way as them, except probably a hundred times more. JD thinks they’ve got bad technique and Anwar thinks he’s a categorically flawed human incapable of EVER being in a meaningful non-platonic relationship. If you’re an especially romantic ace, that sounds like a life of loneliness.
It sounds like to me that Anwar can’t accept that he’s good for anything except giving head because as far as societal expectations go, what else is there in a romantic relationship? “If we stop that what do we even have left?” (Remember, most people’s definition of non-platonic love involves genitals of some sort or the future promise thereof.) I’m kind of cringing at this sentiment that Anwar should have said something sooner because why? Asexuals are told to wait it out, that they’ll warm up to it eventually.
I feel like people who aren’t asexual take this whole dynamic for granted when it’s framed on the individual level like it is here. In all seriousness, look at the concept of the friendzone for a second and tell me how this isn’t at all similar. The pressure on Anwar to embrace and love sex is huge. It’s probably one of his biggest hang ups. It’s the thing that he is the most afraid of, the most ashamed of, and the most confused about. He still, up to the present, does not feel confident in his ability to be anybody’s anything, as clearly shown in the previous scene with Chris. This is the root cause of most of the comic’s conflict, in case you all forgot.
Are we seriously expecting flashback Anwar, who possibly doesn’t even know what asexuality is, to not react absolutely horribly to being confronted by his biggest insecurity that he stands to lose the most from? I’m not trying to argue that what he’s done in this page is justified or that he wasn’t being a raging asshole here. What I am trying to say is sheesh, he’s in a significantly worse mental situation than some seem to want to admit and play it off as no big deal. I’m not really sure what alternate emotional response he would give in this panic mode except exploding into tears or retreating to crushing denial.
“Wow, Anwar has TERRIBLE communication skills. None of this would have happened if he had just told JD the truth from the start.” Yeah, it’s definitely that easy. It’s as easy as saying “You’re not bad at sex, I’m just not interested in sex” in a completely calm and mature way while you’re terrified that the person you love will leave you forever. Yup, that would totally bring this conversation to a different conclusion. There’s no way JD would misconstrue that as a “it’s not you, it’s me” statement, as they totally understand the concept of asexuality and wouldn’t take Anwar’s disinterest in sex personally… Oh wait, isn’t that the whole premise of this conversation? Hmm.
I really wish Anwar hadn’t been so terribly harsh to JD, too. I see their face in the last panel and want to give them a big hug as well. There’s no doubt in my mind that he crossed a huge line and shares some of the blame here, you know? It’s just discouraging as an ace person myself to see people so quick to vilify him over this and treat his problem like some whiny thing when this is a really big issue most of us have to deal with.
Summed up all of my thoughts on this properly. Thank you :P.
I completely agree! Thanks for writing this M! I’m demisexual myself so I can’t really relate personally to much of what Anwar has been going through in coming to understand himself as asexual. However, I’ve been surprised at how quickly people comment about being annoyed with him or about how he is completely to blame. I see them both sharing blame in this situation. Perhaps this does come from the part of me that can really relate to Anwar, but I feel like if someone really just does not particularly enjoy sex or desire sex, that should at some point be somewhat obvious to a partner. Of course the person not enjoying it would probably try to hide it (I know I did), but still…I always wished my partner would notice and thought that if my partner had been paying attention to my feelings and desires it would have become apparent that sex was not something I particularly enjoyed/wanted at the time. But even beyond that, I feel like JD and Anwar are just coming from very different places in terms of their understanding of sexuality and its role in relationships and in terms of their own interest in sexual activity. I think ideally they both could have communicated better in this flashback, but that wouldn’t be very realistic. Realistically, I think the way everything has been happening so far makes a lot of sense.
All of this would have been prevented if the world had taught Anwar (and JD) that asexuality exists and is fine. BUT WE DO NOT LIVE IN THAT WORLD. I feel bad for both of them and don’t blame one or the other more–they’re just young people grappling with someone they perhaps don’t have the vocabulary or social context for. Poor bebbs.
(And goddamnit, it’s so sad to see JD like this–younger and less confident about themselves, apologizing for “not being sexy enough.” :( )
“grappling with someone” woops I meant grappling with SOMETHING
Well, “someone” kinda works too.
I second what everyone says about Anwar being a humongous ass to JD re: “You don’t love me.” Poor JD, they’re shaking pretty badly here. :( *wants to hug them*
My first reaction was along the lines of “GOD DAMN IT ANWAR NOT AGAIN”, but his reaction kind of makes sense to me. He’s probably freaking out and doesn’t know how to handle the situation, not to mention that he might’ve been in the same spot in previous relationships. Sex is obviously a big part of a relationship for JD, so he tries to find a cop-out and excuses (“Well, you don’t love me anyway, so!”), rather than dealing with the issue. He’s still being a jackass though.
Replying to everyone here
*sings* “caaaan you feeeel the aaaangst tonight?”
Is this the part where JD and Anwar decide to do a complete make-over? :D ‘War’s hair looks pretty long and while I love JD’s hairstyle, I’m curious as to what makes them decide to go for that gorgeous pink mohawk-like style :) I’m not sure what their hairstyle is called but I’m sure a name exists for it somewhere!
Loving your color comics <3 Very inspiring!
JD really had his number when they said he broke up with them out of a misplaced sense of martyrdom.
Yeah, agree with a lot of people that he handled this absolutely dreadfully and seems to be making a lot of the same mistakes in the present.
And yeah, big frowny face on telling JD that they don’t love him. That’s some gaslighting shit and makes this the first point of the story where I actually hate him a little bit. I mean, I’ve empathized and related to parts of him, but here, he’s just kind of a douchebag and seems to be settling a little too much into a parody of the asexual who wants to be a martyr than an actual confused ace person just making their way.
All I have to say is- Anwar is sexy as HELL with long, slightly mussed hair *grins*
And the “No, you love how I fuck you”? Had a fantastic image of Anwar and JD :)…yes, yes, I know its not the point of the page but come on!
On a serious note, that must be extremely hard for both parties. Anwar feels in adequate because he doesn’t like sex as much as JD (or at all for that matter), and JD feels inadequate because they love the sex more then Anwar, and they both just feel a ton of self blame. The poor things :(
I’m glad they end up working it out and at least stay friends. Onwards to the rest of the angst~!
I don’t know… Anwar has irritated the hell out of me in previous pages, but here? I mean. He’s made it kind of obvious through non-verbal cues that he’s not that interested in sex; a few pages ago JD asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie, and JD protested instead of doing what he wanted. Anwar’s been trying to subtely tell them what he wants and doesn’t want, but he’s been too scared to come right out and say it clearly, because it’s scary. I can understand why Anwar would question if JD *really* does love him, because JD has been kind of steamrolling him and making a lot of assumptions and not listening or noticing how stiff and withdrawn and hesitant he’s been regarding sex. Maybe Anwar reacted a little over-the-top, but that’s what happens when these frustrations build up and you’re too scared/humilated to say anything beforehand because you’re worried that once you say it, the world will confirm you really are inherently broken and fucked up and unlovable.
As an ace myself, I worry about this EXACT same thing – how can I ever been a full partner to someone if I can’t fulfill the sexual component of the relationship; wouldn’t they be better off in the long run with someone who could give them what they needed? And if I was in a relationship, and the other person kept wanting everything to be sexual even though I was clearly uncomfortable, withdrawn, and often trying to suggest other activities, I would start to wonder if there was anything else to our relationship if you took out the sexual component; I would feel used and resentful and broken, like it didn’t matter to them how uncomfortable I was. These are not unreasonable or unusual worries for an ace. A lot of these posts here are about how awful Anwar is being; but you’re failing to take into account that even if JD really does deep down love him, they’ve been kind of obtuse and inconsiderate and unobservant, and pushing him into things he’s clearly not super excited about. And I’m glad that Anwar finally said something, even if he was a little blunt. He HAD to be blunt, because JD wasn’t taking the darn hint.
This! All of this…yes!!! This is what I’ve been thinking since this flashback started. Not that I would put the “blame” on JD either necessarily. I think both parties have “fault” in this scenario. But I definitely think there must have been a lot of hints JD missed and that their reaction of (seeming) disapproval/shock/annoyance when Anwar stated what he actually wanted to do for his birthday (watch a movie and cuddle with them) could be considered a bit rude/inconsiderate/self-centered. Note that I don’t really think JD is all (or any) of those things…those are just traits I’ve seen people equated with Anwar based on this flashback. I think it’s important to see the situation from this side as well and to keep in mind that JD has not been perfect in this scenario either.
As a note, I put quotes around “blame” and “fault” because I think that in a situation like this there is no real “winner” and the guilty/most wrong party really doesn’t matter. People make mistakes in relationships, especially communication mistakes- that’s natural and it’s human. I’m not sure how much “fault” really needs to be placed on any one person in a situation like this. Everyone is already pretty miserable.
You know we’ve all been there at some point in time. When you are still fairly new to something about yourself that you have never shared with anyone. You don’t even really have the words or the knowledge or heck the vocabulary to express it yet. So when you do, it all comes out in the worst way possible. Had this happen with an SO when I brought up my desire to try and give our love life something other than vanilla flavor. Did not go well.
I’m going through all the safe confusion as Anwar. Woo~