Shades Of A 107
This is slightly borrowed from 50 shades darker:
“I would have told you earlier, but as it was your birthday . . . What do you give the man who has everything? I thought I’d give you . . . me.”
In other news I’ll be at Midlands MCM expo in Telford this saturday!
Ooooo…. the amount of awkward contained in these panels is palpable. I feel bad for both of them here. ;-;
Maybe I’m biased because I can relate pretty well with Anwar, but I think that this is actually quite selfish from JD. While giving yourself as present can be nice and even perfect, it is also an old idea and could mean that maybe they just didn’t want to/couldn’t or couldn’t be bothered to think of a present that would fit Anwar’s personality or interests but saying that JD is lazy or thoughtless could be too far and a misunderstanding, after all being a sexual servant also takes commitment and effort, especially for a rather dom-personality like JD.
But if JD also noted that An is sexually shy, making an offer so directly is very intimidating, they could have thought about that as well and realize that Anwar would feel unwell…but maybe JD was also over-challenged in a relationship with a boy like An. Regardless, talking about wishes, fantasies and things that stimulate the other partner might have been better. This is a situation where An can hardly refuse without insulting JD.
Yeaaaaah… Basically, all I see is JD going “I don’t get sex often enough, so I’m going to coerce you into it by making you think it’s all about you”. I don’t think they’re necessarily doing it consciously, but it’s still… really shitty to do. :/
It’s my experience that people who would do something like what JD was doing up there see it more as “Well, I think sex is the most amazing thing, so giving my partner as much of any kind of sex they want is a great gift.” It’s not coercive or manipulative. It’s just not really understanding things outside your own sexual point of view. This has bee, in my experience, especially common in young, pansexual, kinky people who just really enjoy all kinds of sex in all kinds of ways. They often think that the only reason other people don’t is because they’re sheltered, inexperienced or religiously opposed. They often think that if people just try it, they’ll enjoy most things sexual. It’s an immature mindset that most those people tend to grow out of, but it’s not manipulative or selfish when they’re in fact trying to help.
Well, I’ve kinda sorta been on the both sides of this fence and I don’t think JD’s selfish here. They’re just a bit immature, jumping to conclusions (they both are). Look, JD’s clearly a very sexual person and very clearly doesn’t know about Anwar’s asexuality (because they both fail at communication). From their point of view they always get what they want (sex!) and don’t give anything in return (because Anwar is ‘shy’). That’s selfish, right? Sex should be enjoyable for all parties, right? It’s not fair if JD’s the only one always getting orgasms. Making it “all about Anwar” is some way to ensure he gets a treat, to be fair. JD simply doesn’t know he doesn’t want a treat.
To be totally fair to JD, Anwar isn’t telling her that he’s asexual at this point. I spent many years in a relationship with someone who outright lied about their asexuality so every time they didn’t seem to be enjoying sex, I concluded I must be doing something wrong. (Anwar’s not doing this per se, but he hasn’t really figured himself out). I spent years trying to figure out what they needed/wanted before they finally told me they just didn’t want sex. So while this isn’t a good move on JD’s part at all, I doubt it’s purely out of selfishness. They’re probably just trying to figure out anything they can do to make him happy. That’s just my personally-biased opinion.
This is a very fair point too.
I agree its a pretty terrible idea.
But at the same time these flashbacks seem to go into their first year of university (where its implied their currently in their last) and you do learn/change a lot in those years. I think JD’s intentions aren’t supposed to be malicous because as someone else said, they both STINK at communication. I suspect JD really honestly thought Anwar was just shy and thought letting him do whatever would be good and fun. It’s unfortunately not that uncommon of an idea amoung people with communication issues. I am pretty interested to see how their debacle of a relationship changed to the way it is.
That kind of “gift” is fun when you’re in a relationship with open communication and everyone involved is very sexual- hell, my boyfriend’s Valentine’s Day surprise for me tomorrow is of the sexual variety and I’m crazy excited. Buuuuuuut JD’s totally off base. If they wanted to “help” Anwar with his shyness surrounding sexuality, the two of them needed to cuddle and eat popcorn and have a heart to heart about sex, at which point JD would have learned that Anwar’s asexual and then they could have either tried to make it work or break up and go to the occasionally awkward bestfriendship that they share.
But I do have a lot of understanding for JD’s situation, and can see how they think they’re being a super duper awesome personfriend. So I give them one point for effort and dock twenty points for stupid.
I’m inclined to see this as evidence of JD being selfish (for reasons others have described) and also super oblivious, because at the beginning of the comic they were still pressuring Anwar into a sexual situation he didn’t really seem comfortable with – going to the fetish club. so at this point in the flashback you could excuse it with ignorance and good intentions but they don’t seem to have made enough of an effort to be respectful of Anwar’s asexuality since then and that’s pretty crappy.
also, JD’s response to Anwar being “shy” about JD’s favorite pastime isn’t to figure out why, it’s to just… push for more of it. if someone seems really hesitant about giving consent and you keep pulling for it, you’re at best irresponsible, and at worst, sexually abusive.
what could possibly go wrong!
Poor Anwar!
I think that JD feels inadequate. Anwar has pleasured them, but they can’t return the favor, and they’re desperate to prove themselves. They feel that they can’t do what’s best for Anwar – assuming that they know what “best” is – and they’re trying again and again to do it.
It doesn’t excuse the lack of communication, or the obliviousness, or the disconnect between what the two want. What it does begin to explain is the reason for the disconnect and the obliviousness. JD is convinced that Anwar wants sex, and wants to enjoy sex, and JD hasn’t been able to provide that. They become desperate, and they ignore other possibilities.
That’s how I see it, at least. It’s still inexcusable.
Oh man, watching JD is like looking at a younger version of myself. I get where this is coming from, but it’s hella cringeworthy.
I’m seeing a lot of comments speculating about their intentions. I read them as genuine: it’s like a pet bringing you a dead bug and thinking you’ll be thrilled.
JD reads Anwar’s attitude about sex to be coming from a place of shyness, and perhaps shame (society doesn’t like sexually open people). They want Anwar to feel comfortable talking about sex and this seems like the best way to do it: this way, he has explicit permission to be sexual (removes the shame) and no pressure from JD (removes the shyness, Anwar has the room to ask for what he wants without have to prioritize JD’s desires).
But of course, they’re wrong about everything. Anwar isn’t being hesitant about sex because he’s shy or feels ashamed of his desires; he just isn’t interested. And it’s his lack of interest that he feels ashamed about. So instead of solving the problem, this situation just emphasizes it and makes him feel pressured and aaaagh it’s terrible.
Being a very sexual person in a relationship with a less sexual or asexual person opens up a lot of lines for miscommunication, especially since society isn’t great at giving people tools for discussing sex openly and without pressure to begin with. It sucks. I’m really happy to see this handled in a story.
“I know you don’t like sex, so let’s have sex! It’s all about you!” ಠ_ಠ
I’ve been Anwar in this situation and it really does suck. I understand where JD is coming from, but the awkwardness and uncertainty Anwar feels hit really close to home for me. When I was in that situation, my mind went completely blank and I stopped, completely at a loss. My internal monologue went something like this: “What *I* want to do? I’m having sex with you and I don’t want anything except to not mess it up for you, and for that to happen, you need to guide me. What the hell would *I* want to do? What if I did something you didn’t like? Throw me a bone here!” Obviously that’s not the other person’s intent, I really do get that, but this is why communication is so important. Having someone be that unspecific about what’s okay during sex is somewhat terrifying when your own sexual desires are effectively nonexistent. You feel like you’re on a stage lit by a spotlight, no script and no prompt, with a silent dark audience waiting for you to do something amazing. No pressure there! Ugh, I just want to hug both of them and teach them that wonderful mantra “USE YOUR WORDS”.
Ohhhhh I could go to the expo ANY other weekend, I’m so close by! But sadly, I’m not here. I hope it’s awesome!
This page is wonderful, this comic is absolutely wonderful. As are all your comics!!
It’s also worth noting the role that social messaging plays on those who are raised as girls with regards to sex. I know my partner had a rough time of it when we were early on in our relationship and we had a dynamic in which I would do stuff to her but not really want or need anything back in Anwar style.
And that would get her super worried because in our culture a “woman” who only receives sex and doesn’t “put out” is viewed as something akin to a selfish monster, owing to society’s expectation that women are sexual servants (mixed in with weird sexual myths such as the one that women don’t have a sex drive of their own). My partner had previously tried to figure out dynamics that had ended up tending to be one-sided owing to triggers surrounding traditional heterosexual sex acts (which were then exacerbated by romantic partners deciding her “holding out” was an excuse for them to rape and emotionally abuse her). So she had just survived a gauntlet where both society and romantic partners had been telling her sexual relationships where she got pleasure but she didn’t give sexual pleasure and release back was her being a terrible person.
Given the pressure it was not uncommon that I had to regularly remind her it was okay to be the one receiving pleasure and she didn’t need to give stuff back to the indifferent asexual until she was able to finally relax and enjoy the dynamic that worked for both of us.
Not saying that JD has anywhere near the same level of background, but I’d be shocked if they weren’t under pressure to “perform” more, especially in a sexually submissive way from social pressures because it feels “unfair” to be getting all the sexual things without giving back.
That all being said, wow did they put Anwar in an awkward spot. My partner was nice enough to just talk out the internal pressure she was under to perform and ask directly if I felt she was being unfair. JD, on the other hand, is definitely setting it up so that any attempt to articulate Anwar’s disinterest will come off as a rejection of them, even though that is clearly not their intentions.
It’s just an awkward and sucky situation born out of bad internalized messages.
Adding another comment to note the other dark context surrounding this scene. That being the number of asexuals who are placed in a spot, especially in the beginning of sexual-asexual romantic relationships, of feeling strong social pressure to ignore their consents and basically force themselves through a non-consensual sexual event (unfortunately I’m still trying to find the right word for it. I used to call it “engineering one’s own rape” but I’ve abandoned that for a lot of reasons, mostly owing to the victim blaming inherent in the construction).
It’s an issue that has never failed to break my heart in the community and when I first was around in the asexual online community, it made up the majority of posts surrounding romantic relationships. Mostly from people who definitely did not want to do sex, but feeling they had to because “that’s what being in a relationship means” or “because I want to show I love my partner” or worse yet, because they were under pressure from romantic partners to “prove their love”.
It’s still a major issue among young asexuals and it means unfortunately a lot of asexuals of all genders have had to experience a rape, often with the additional baggage of it being one they “consented to” which just leaves them with a lot of guilt for having long term negative effects for something they gave verbal consent for and their partners might not have done if they had known the truth.
I trust Tab that that’s not where this scene is going. But I’d understand if it was given the huge role that that sort of thing has on the ace community.
Final context: Fucking sexual privilege.
For many sexuals, it’s too simple for them to go “oh, sex is a great gift, because sex is awesome and clearly everyone has a sexual orientation so if I offer a blank check then they’ll want something in a traditional manner.”
So basically JD is running face first into their own privilege as a sexual person (admittedly due to social pressures, but still) and isn’t aware of the minefield they are drifting close to.
Whoa, this is an excellent comment. <3
My ex and I did this a lot: “Do what you want with me, I’ll just go along for the ride.” For us, it was a mutual expression of showing our physical love and respect for one another. It’s possible that JD is feeling kind of useless because it’s all about Them in bed, so they want to make Anwar happy for once.
That’s what I’m thinking, at least.
Oh no :( Anwar!!!! That must be the WORST feeling :((((
Its like if I was dating a man for his personality (even though I’m gay) and he says “Happy birthday! You get to suck my dick ALL DAY! Arent you lucky?” I have NO idea what I’d do :((
Seriously. Though I must admit, I love Anwars flat ‘Whut.” Literally kills me :)
I dunno…. they said ‘sexy servant’ not ‘sex servant.’
Please don’t feel I’m being dismissive on any of the insightful comments here, but is it possible to read too far into this page?
Yes, JD likes sex and has previously (depending on the timeline of this particular flashback) cornered Anwar into it, but what if they really just mean ‘do with/to me what you want’ in its literal sense?
It’s wholly possible that JD is fully expecting a day of cuddles, snuggling on the sofa and non-sex-orientated sexyness. Maybe.
From the look on Anwar’s face I’d say that’s not what he expects from the offer, but it’s possible they’re giving him what he wants they only way the know how. In a roundabout way. Maybe.
I so agree with this. Anwar could use this opportunity to cuddle, eat cake, and play videogames/watch movies/ do whatever. But I think he feels she is meaning sex, and I think she is expecting to sexually please him in this flash back.
I don’t see JD as a bad person, but I do think both they and Anwar are bad at communication and seem to be a little selfish.
i’m wondering: from what we’ve seen of Anwar’s mom, she seems like a seriously awesome parent/person. but do we know yet how informed she is about Anwar’s orientation/preferences and his current relationship with Chris? i’m optimistically thinking she would probably be accepting of Anwar’s asexuality/his decision to date a person of the same gender (i’m assuming that Chris identifies as cisgender, though i’m not certain that was specifically stated?). but at the same time, Anwar & Chris’s relationship is unconventional in several ways, and i could see any parent, even an open-minded one, being apprehensive about their (young adult) child dating someone who is older/divorced-with-kids. i’m wondering what reaction we should expect when she does find out about Anwar & Chris, and also about how ready Anwar is to confide in her (they seem close, but Anwar also seems a bit private).
Also, not sure how to feel about JD. On the one hand, their relationship seems to have caused Anwar some personal pain, and from what i’ve heard about 50SOG, the character parallel to JD played kind of a villainous/unlikable role (the protagonist’s boyfriend’s ex, and usually exes aren’t presented as likeable characters). And we have seen signs of JD being insensitive of Anwar’s feelings. But I’m wary of harshly judging any non-protagonist, and initially JD seemed like a really cool character, so I’m wondering if we should be critical of JD and their behavior towards Anwar, or if we’re meant to interpret Anwar’s emotional baggage as the result of miscommunication/circumstances as opposed to anyone’s actual fault.
I wrote too much, sorry! this coming brings out *feels*
Completely passing over the asexuality thing…I think JD completely misunderstands what “shy” means.
I’m kind of shy when it comes to sex, and if someone decided to combat this by saying, “OK, now you have to call the shots and describe exactly what you want to be happening” I would just stare at them blankly, hide behind a pillow and feel guilty. It’s not that I don’t want sex, and I can communicate when I need to, but giving directions and talking at length about it just…makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It’s not a repressed thing, just a quirk.
Being shy about sex is like being shy about everything else. If you were shy about talking to people, would it make you feel better for a stranger to just march up to you, look you in the eye and say, “Come up with a conversation subject, right now. We’re going to have a conversation.”? Maybe, or maybe you’d freeze up, not be able to think of anything, and then feel like shit.
Hahaha, oh man, after the incredible points of view on this page, I completely have to agree with yours, “I’m kind of shy when it comes to sex, and if someone decided to combat this by saying, “OK, now you have to call the shots and describe exactly what you want to be happening” I would just stare at them blankly, hide behind a pillow and feel guilty.” That is just a perfect analogy for this page.